038 | Understanding Emotional Cutoff in Family Systems

Colt (00:00.0)
Hello, my name is Colt Gordon. I’m a licensed therapist out in Cody, Wyoming. And I’m a Bowen Family Systems expert that does coaching for people internationally. So today I want to talk about emotional cutoff in Bowen Family Systems theory. This is a theory that I absolutely love because not only has it helped me personally transform my own life, but working with clients and seeing them come from an enmeshed or cutoff background.

Colt (00:30.99)
be able to become more of themselves, be able to find more freedom versus continuing to act out patterns. Whether or not they’re around their families or not, they’re stuck in those family patterns. And being able to have that bird’s eye view of those patterns can really be a transformative process. Mainly because you’re not just looking at yourself individually. let me go do yoga or let me go meditate. Let me go read. Let me do therapy. All those things are helpful.

Colt (01:00.034)
But when you start looking at things in systems, start seeing things as a, in a more bird’s eye systems view, you can start to really think in a different way that can help you act aligned with your principles, with your values, instead of just continuing to go on automatic pilot with what your family of origin installed within you, if that makes sense. It’s your program, right? Today, emotional cutoff.

Colt (01:27.95)
Again, this is a concept in Bowen Family Systems. It’s a process of managing unresolved emotional issues with family members by reducing or severing contact with them. This can manifest as physical distance, i.e. moving away, avoiding visits, or emotional distance, withholding personal information, being emotionally disengaged. While cutoffs might provide temporary relief, because they do.

Colt (01:56.46)
You get a short term payoff from cutoff. Cutoff really does help you feel safe. They don’t resolve the underlying dynamics or reduce emotional reactivity. Instead, they often perpetuate unresolved issues and create new patterns of relational dysfunction. And that makes sense, right? Because if you have decided to cut off from family, right? Which again, provides immediate safety. There’s immediate relief from that. Just getting rid of them.

Colt (02:27.138)
Right? But what that does is that sets a pattern in motion in which whenever there are problems in general in your life, what have you learned to do? Push those problems away, push those people away. So you don’t actually deal with them and become more emotionally mature, you become more emotionally stuck in an immature way. So one of the…

Colt (02:56.248)
three causes of emotional cutoffs and there’s more. But here’s some three main ones. One, unresolved family conflict. Obviously, right? So one of the phrases I love are healthy emotional families. Well, what’s the difference between dysfunctional families and functional families? Dysfunctional families do not resolve anything. Functional families, they also get into arguments or there’s tension, but they do resolve.

Colt (03:26.486)
So one of the real big issues and why emotional cutoff seems like a solution is because there’s so much unresolved family conflict, intense emotional entanglements that feel unmanageable. So another reason or cause for emotional cutoff is fear of vulnerability, avoiding potential criticism, rejections, or judgment. If you come from a family that’s very judgmental, come from a family that’s very…

Colt (03:55.534)
Toxic I tried to stay away from that work. It’s so overused but nonetheless makes sense right very tense Avoiding potential criticism would make sense an emotional cutoff makes sense as an option Three as another cause inability to self differentiate and that’s just a fun nice clinical word for becoming more of who you are regardless if you come from a meshed family or a cutoff family a family that’s very distant or families very

Colt (04:25.004)
Right? Stuck, enmeshed. Self-differentiation is this process of becoming who you are in the context of those triggers, of those actual people from your family, et cetera. So what some of the effects of emotional cutoff? There’s increased anxiety, avoiding connection doesn’t eliminate the emotional charge. It often amplifies it. Right? So increased anxiety. Relational challenges, difficulty forming or maintaining healthy relationships due to unresolved

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family dynamics. In multi-generational transmission, patterns of cutoffs can repeat in future generations impacting children and other relationships. I want to jump back to relational challenges, difficulty forming and maintaining healthy relationships due to unresolved family dynamics. A lot of people come to videos like this, come to people like Jerry Wise, come to people like Roberta Gilbert.

Colt (05:25.28)
looking to resolve their pain, looking to resolve, they notice a pattern over and over again in their lives. They can’t quite put a finger on it. They can’t see why this continues. And they start to wonder, am I the common denominator? And one of the big things is relational challenges. Difficult to be forming and maintaining healthy relationships should do unresolved family dynamics. And that’s my story. I come from a distant, more distant family.

Colt (05:54.722)
Went off on my own at very young age and I struggled with a lot of relationship difficulties because I was not used to developing relationships and getting close to people. So whenever someone did get close, I pushed them away. Right, so this work helped me recognize that and an ability that I could garner was managing my anxiety, managing my lack of skill and vulnerability and learn it.

Colt (06:24.238)
and allow myself to get close people. Hello. Steps to improve and heal from emotional cutoff. So one of the biggest things I’ve already mentioned is think in systems. Emotional cutoff doesn’t happen in isolation. It’s a reaction within a broader family system. To heal, start by understanding the family as an interconnected system where each person’s actions and emotions influence the other. Look at the patterns, roles, and dynamics at play.

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For example, how might your family history of conflict avoidance or enmeshment contribute to your choice to cut off? Or your choices in general, right? Whether or your family’s around or not. Focus on process, how people relate and interact, rather than content, what they fight about.

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What is the pattern that’s happening here versus we’re fighting about pecan pie or pumpkin pie. Shifting your perspective to see relational dynamics as patterns within systems allows you to make changes that ripple outward, not just for you, but across relationships. Two, steps to improve and heal from emotional cough. Cultivate self-awareness. Reflect on your role in the family system. What unresolved emotions, anger, shame, or fear

Colt (07:45.506)
Contribute to the cutoff and a good coach therapist Books with exercises journal and exercise can help you with that awareness You’ll use tools like journaling mindfulness to explore your emotional triggers and how they connect to your broader family dynamics one thing that’s very interesting about Bowen family systems is it can seem to Perhaps put emotions on the back burner, but really that’s not true emotions are very important in this process But instead of letting your emotions run the show

Colt (08:14.862)
We watch emotions. We are curious about emotions. We work with emotions. But you’re in the driver’s seat when it comes to change. Self-diffrugation is the ability to stay emotionally connected to others while maintaining your sense of self. I’m gonna go back. that was for the third point to improve and heal emotional cutoff is work on self-diffrugation. And one other way to do that is practice setting clear boundaries without resorting to avoidance or emotional.

Colt (08:44.674)
disentanglement. And easier said than done, right? So when you are actually learning to manage your anxiety, work with your emotions, right? Work with that guilt and shame. When you’re aware of that, then you can actually be around those people that you’re avoiding, right? That pattern that you’re used to doing to feel safe. Work on being a self, work on no, yes, no, thank you.

Colt (09:13.75)
and let the chips fall where they may. Learn to tolerate discomfort and emotional closeness and manage your emotional reactions without requiring others to change. Fourth step here to improve and heal for emotional cutoff is gradual reconnection, if safe. You do not wanna go into a situation that has egregious behavior that’s abusive. Rebuilding connection doesn’t mean agreeing or even liking family members. It means addressing the emotional charge you feel.

Colt (09:43.66)
Start small with low stakes communication like brief conversations or sharing neutral updates. If cut off completely, test boundaries slowly while practicing emotional regulation. Scroll to the fifth one here, address unresolved issues. Now, caveat here, do this when you don’t need to anymore. I’m gonna finally go home, flip over tables and stand up for myself. No, I want you to start small, start very small.

Colt (10:14.208)
When the time comes when you’re self-differentiated enough, you’re grounded enough, you’ve got enough therapy, coaching, whatever it may be, then work towards resolving past pain by having honest conversations, expressing feelings, accepting that others may not change. And you get no points for style in that process. It’s not about doing it perfectly, figuring it out. It’s about when it’s time, you do it. And if it’s messy, do it messy. Accepting that messiness, you get no points for style.

Colt (10:42.662)
Speak from your perspective, I feel, right? There’s a lot of things we’re gonna wanna censor and it’s just a lot easier to say I feel instead. I feel really owns it on your end, which can reduce defensiveness and keep the focus on your experience. Okay, let’s go to six, seek support. Therapy can provide tools to navigate the complexity of reconnection or resolution safely.

Colt (11:10.414)
And I’m a coach internationally, like I’ve said here in this video, you no longer have to only see the people in your area. We live in a time where you can hire coaches, hire therapists across your state, et cetera. Recognize, excuse me, bone family system therapy, EMDR, IFS can help explore emotional layers and generational patterns. I also really like acceptance and commitment therapy. Okay, seventh step.

Colt (11:38.552)
to improve and heal from emotional cutoff is cultivate alternative sources of connection. If connection isn’t possible or safe, focus on building supportive relationships outside the family. Healing can come from creating a chosen family of friends or mentors. And again, that’s gonna be hard. That’s gonna be difficult, just like it’d be difficult with your own family, but it can be done in a systematic way. Recognize how healthier dynamics and other relationships can inform how you engage

Colt (12:08.462)
your family. Okay let’s go to eight month. Recognize generational patterns. Emotional cutoff can reflect unresolved patterns passed down through generations. Reflect on how your family relationship dynamics, values, and culture influences might have shaped your current experience. And that is showing where you came from and that’s what a really helpful genogram can do if you get a coach or a therapist helping create that

Colt (12:35.212)
genogram to see those patterns and see from a bird’s eye view. Thinking and systems theories help you break cycles, offering a fresh perspective for healing. Okay, and the ninth step here is develop emotional resilience. Practice, mindfulness, meditation, again, acceptance, commitment therapy, focusing on your values and who you want to be, not who, what your feelings are telling you to be, right? Can help you stay grounded during reconnection or while processing unresolved.

Colt (13:05.272)
Feelings. Focus on building inner stability so you can approach relationships with clarity and intentionality. Okay, so that is my video for the day on emotional cutoff. I’ve talked about enmeshment. Enmeshment is just the same coin, different side, right? Different side of the same coin, excuse me. And they’re both reactions to the system.

Colt (13:32.748)
Really what a coach, therapist, reading books and journaling about this can do for you is recognizing how can I be who I am? How can I practice who I am, practice who I want to be, values, and not react to the system or not react to the patterns and programs that I grew up in? We all come from various different family backgrounds. No family is perfect. But if you come from a family that didn’t resolve issues, right? All families have issues but didn’t resolve them.

Colt (14:01.708)
And you’re continuing to react to that system, especially if you don’t have awareness to it. And either unemoshed, enmeshed, excuse me, or cut off way. And the point here is not doing that. It’s not about not doing it. It’s about catching it and redirecting yourself. Right, when you catch yourself, my gosh, there I go again, no, no. You caught yourself and being able to practice outside of that. So.

Colt (14:30.798)
Really call the action here is getting honest with yourself. Am I someone, if you come from a dysfunctional family, that reacts in a meshed way? Do I glom on? Do I try people please, right? Or am I someone that pushes people away, right? And being able to get honest with yourself about that is a big first step to start thinking, thinking in systems and seeing yourself in the context of a system so you can better become the self you were always meant to be. That you can be with lots of practice. It takes practice, it takes work.

Colt (15:00.334)
put some skin in the game, do this work. You can have more freedom than you ever thought was possible. You have lower anxiety than you ever thought was possible. I know that’s true for myself. Okay, please reach out to me. 15 minute free consultation if you want coaching. If you live in Wyoming or California, I can do therapy. I would love to work with you. I’d love to help. Take care.