040 | Going No Contact vs Emotional Cut-Off

Colt (00:00.0)
Hello, my name is Colt. It’s a cold day in Yellowstone, Cody, Wyoming area. And I got a question today that I’d like to answer. This question is coming from, I’m not sure how to pronounce this, but M-A-L-L-I-G-U-E, malingue, maybe? So the question here is a continuation on the conversation about cutoffs, emotional cutoffs.

Colt (00:30.742)
I’m afraid of being alone, not having a support system. I moved to another continent. I cut off from my bio parents and one uncle after trying for years to have a healthier relationship with them. I expressed my needs and boundaries, which were not met, not respected, and it was called names. My other uncle has also been very dismissive and passive aggressive, so I don’t want to deal with him anymore.

Colt (01:00.95)
I don’t see the point. But how can I ensure I’m not staying or being emotionally unhealthy after cutting different family members off? I was in therapy after cutting them off. Any books you can recommend. Great question. I appreciate that. I think the first big important differentiation here is the difference between cutoff and going no contact.

Colt (01:30.4)
Emotional cutoff is an unhealthy way to move to the world, right? It’s a quick fix. It’s the way we move through the world in order to avoid, not deal with our anxiety, not having people deal with us, not having people see who we really are, whether it be our parents or uncle, whoever it is, and just…

Colt (01:54.914)
pushing ourselves away from that. Short term makes sense, right? I’m not going home from Christmas, I don’t want to deal with anxiety. Short term, it makes sense. Long term, it sets us up in a cycle, a multi-generational cycle where we may never actually show people who we are. We may be very rigid in who we trust and expect perfection, right? That’s different from going no contact. And in this question, I hear someone that has

Colt (02:23.586)
put down boundaries. And by the way, boundaries are yours to enforce and it sounds like this person has enforced them. Sounds like you have enforced this boundary, you have put it out there and it hasn’t been respected. You’ve asked them specifically, hey, this is what I need, this is not working for me and they don’t follow through on it or they test you.

Colt (02:49.728)
And that within itself is not necessarily a bad thing. People will test your boundaries, especially if they’re used to you being one way, and you decide, this is who gonna be now. They will test to see if that’s true. That’s not necessarily bad, that’s human behavior, trying to maintain the homeostasis, trying to maintain the family dynamic. So that within itself is not necessarily a bad or unhelpful thing, just something to be aware of. But when you are consistently…

Colt (03:19.68)
reinforcing that boundary and it’s still not being respected, it’s being dismissed. That’s a really important indication to pay attention to that, okay, I need to separate myself here. I need to move away. I need to get some space. And before we get into a little bit more about what that no contact procedure looks like or what that would look like on the ground, not just as an idea, let me talk about three predictable ways families react.

Colt (03:49.772)
to when someone becomes a more self-differentiated, more mature, more here I am, deal with me kind of a person, not flipping over tables, but here I am, let’s deal with cult now, right? Versus cult being a people pleaser and just kind of whatever you all need, right? Now I’m gonna start showing up and being who I am. Here’s a fun little example. Let’s say I, for whatever reason, was…

Colt (04:17.452)
having some dietary issues and I need to stay away from carbs for a while. My grandpa’s Italian, right? And he’s making spaghetti. All right, so I’m going to be myself and stay away from the spaghetti this year. Sounds like a silly example, but bear with me, okay? So there’s three predictable, from Bowen Family Systems, ways people react to the new you or to your new boundary. Negativities, number one. Two,

Colt (04:46.966)
negativity and pressure to change back and three, change back or else. These are three predictable steps or three predictable outcomes of what happens when you start to change in the context of a system, a family that’s used to you being one way or a particular way. This is not a reason within itself to just push them away and leave, right? This isn’t your opportunity for you to practice, for you to pass these tests. So I go home for Christmas.

Colt (05:16.566)
My grandpa has made this wonderful spaghetti. I’m on this carb diet or whatever, right? And I tell him, hey, I’m not gonna have spaghetti. I’m gonna just eat the salad. who, you know, that’s, you don’t want to have grandpa’s Italian spaghetti. You’re gonna hurt his feelings. Yeah. Right? Most people in that moment break under pressure and have the spaghetti. Your job is to hold that boundary.

Colt (05:46.882)
Two, if you hold that boundary, here’s the next reaction. Well, pressure to change back. If you don’t have this spaghetti, know, just continuing to double down, right? Pressure to change back. First there’s negativity, then it’s pressure change back. If you don’t eat this spaghetti, then you’re just gonna hurt us or we’re upset, whatever. Okay? If you pass that test, here’s the next predictable step.

Colt (06:17.186)
Okay, the next predictable step is, hey, if you don’t eat the spaghetti, maybe we won’t come next year or we won’t ever make spaghetti ever again. Right? Okay, grandpa, I understand. Right now for whatever my doctor’s having me stay away from carbs and going this whatever fast because I have blood work, whatever, whatever the deal is, if you pass that test, most people after those three predictable steps,

Colt (06:45.314)
Most people will adjust to the new you. If they’re a clinical narcissist, maybe not. Maybe they’re a psychopath, maybe not. But most people aren’t psychopaths, most people aren’t narcissistic. Narcissistic traits perhaps, but most people aren’t clinically narcissistic. Narcissistic, excuse me. So the goal when you start to bring yourself, bring who you really are to a family system is not be surprised when those three things happen. Negativity,

Colt (07:14.08)
Negativity and pressure change back and change back or else those are very predictable things that happen in families Doesn’t mean those people are necessarily toxic that could be but that’s it. That is not necessarily what’s happening That’s just what happens the family’s trying to maintain the status quo your job is to pass those three steps Be a broken record. No, thank you. No, thank you. No, thank you And then the last predictable the fourth bonus here is most people

Colt (07:43.776)
will adjust to the new you. Okay, so I wanna get a little bit more into this process or this concept of no contact. So let’s say you have done this, you have passed these three steps and these boundaries are still not being respected. These boundaries are still not being adhered to.

Colt (08:11.394)
Okay, so this is when no contact is appropriate. Hey, look, I’ve been clear that carbs aren’t for me or whatever the deal is, right? I’ve been clear that when you talk to me that way, it really doesn’t work for me. I’ve been clear that I’m a Baptist now, I’m no longer being Catholic or vice versa. So please stop pestering me about it. Please stop lecturing me about that. Or that within itself, please stop lecturing me in general.

Colt (08:39.04)
Right? I’ve made it clear that that’s not working for me. And if they don’t adjust, even after you holding your ground being a broke record, okay, it’s time to go away for a while. I’m going to take a break for three months and you know, people are like, what is this an ultimatum? yeah, actually, it is. If, if you can adjust to who I am, it’s not healthy for me to continue to put myself in a position where I’m not being respected and doing this all in a very calm.

Colt (09:09.866)
If I’m not being respected, I need some space. So let’s get back together, have some coffee in about three months to see if you can meet these needs of mine, these wants. Right? That is a healthy person, excuse me, requiring people to adjust to the new you. And again, most people aren’t narcissistic. It just sometimes takes extra time for them to really get it, to really get it. Right? And so being a broken record.

Colt (09:39.458)
Passing those three tests, the negativity, the negativity and pressure to change back and change back or else. You pass those tests and people still aren’t changing, it’s time to go no contact. So, big difference between emotional cutoff and no contact. No contact is a process where you are practicing being yourself. You’re practicing in a messy way, no points for style, you showing up, you being exactly who you are, not in perfect way, in a messy way, and

Colt (10:07.554)
Most people will adjust that. If they don’t adjust right away, no contact is the appropriate response. It is the appropriate response so that they can finally get it. Eventually people will get it. It may take three months, six months, a year, two years until they finally get this is just who Colta is now. Emotional contact never allows you to practice who you are. You just push people away because of the anxiety you feel. And that doesn’t actually create any sort of long-term change.

Colt (10:36.586)
It’s a perpetuation, a perpetuated pattern that you do throughout your life, whether it’s around family, friends, romance, whatever. So no contact, quick fix in the moment, doesn’t actually create any long-term change or maturity. Going no contact is a process that as you’re practicing who you are and practicing that courage, practicing managing those emotions in the process, seeing things in a systems way. This is the system just trying to get me to stay.

Colt (11:05.726)
the homeostasis. That’s okay. They’re not bad. They’re just trying to maintain homeostasis. They’re trying to keep the tribe going. That’s okay. And this is who I am within that tribe now. This is who I am. Whether it be about spaghetti, not lecturing me, don’t want to talk about religion, politics, whatever. Okay. So really emphasizing system. So again, thank you for this question. And for other listeners, just challenge yourself.

Colt (11:35.138)
practicing boundaries. Am I practicing who I am? Am I allowing other people to deal with me? And if not, you may be doing an emotional cutoff-esque behavior, if not full blown emotional cutoff. And this is the call to action for you is let’s start practicing letting people deal with you. And this is the process throughout therapies that we’ve grown over the years. At least I hope to think, I would think so.

Colt (12:03.794)
In the past we’d say, just don’t go home for Christmas. they’re disrespectful. You don’t have to do that. And I’ve said that. The truth is you don’t have to go. But the bigger point is, are you practicing who you are? And if you don’t go, is it out of a reaction, emotional cutoff, or is it out of a response? I’ve tried to set my boundaries and they’re not listening. So it’s not appropriate for me to stay here for my own growth. That’s something only you and you alone can answer. Nonetheless,

Colt (12:32.02)
It does help to have a coach, does help to have therapy, and no one is any longer limited to the professionals in the area. So please reach out to me. If I would recommend any books around the subject, probably Lindsay Gibson’s work is a big one that’s on my mind right now. Anything about Bowen Family Systems, but Lindsay Gibson’s work, Emotionally Mature Parents. So anyway, please reach out. Take care.