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041 | Calm Boundaries
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Summary
In this conversation, Colt discusses the challenges of dealing with dismissive family members and the importance of setting boundaries. He emphasizes the need for self-validation and the strategy of being a ‘broken record’ when communicating boundaries. Colt introduces the concept of reversals in family dynamics, explaining how to diffuse tension and maintain calmness. He also shares the Silly Reframe for dealing with dismissive comments to avoid reactivity and encourages listeners to focus on their own growth and decision-making.
Takeaways
Self-validation is crucial when dealing with dismissive family members.
Setting boundaries requires persistence; be a broken record.
Emotional cutoff is a short-term solution, not a long-term strategy.
Calmness and self-differentiation are key in family dynamics.
Reversals can help diffuse tension in conversations.
Reframing responses can prevent defensiveness.
Focus on your own growth rather than waiting for others to change.
Practicing self-responsibility (responding effectively) is essential for emotional health.
Making a decision to focus on oneself can lead to personal transformation.
DISCLAIMER: THIS VIDEO IS NOT A REPLACEMENT FOR PROFESSIONAL COUNSELING. PLEASE CONSULT A QUALIFIED PROFESSIONAL FOR GUIDANCE ON APPLYING AND INTEGRATING THESE CONCEPTS.
Colt (00:00.0)
Hello, my name is Colt. I’m a licensed therapist in Wyoming. I’m out here in Cody, Wyoming near Yellowstone. And I also work with people in California. But internationally, I work with people as a coach. I help them in Bowen Family Systems Theory, which is a deep, deep well. This process of becoming more of a self, more grounded, less reactive, more in charge, responsible for your own growth process.
Colt (00:29.932)
Today I’m going to answer a question, continue on this process of dealing with dismissive family members in this process of learning to set boundaries, not cutting off, perhaps going no contact if people don’t adjust to you, especially if it becomes a very egregious, toxic environment. So I’m answer a question about dismissiveness from family members as you learn to set boundaries, right? So the question comes from Malik, how to deal with someone being dismissive when you tell them…
Colt (00:58.326)
about how their behavior hurt and disrespects you. First of all, sorry, that sucks. Like being dismissive does not feel good. that’s messed up, it’s disrespectful. And then it looks like they tell you to grow thick skin instead of getting frustrated. Okay, so yeah, don’t have a voice. Don’t tell us that you need anything. That’s not healthy. That’s not.
Colt (01:26.9)
a fun person to be around and why would you even set a boundary anymore, right? Like why even try? It’s got to be very disheartening. So I want to say that first and that validation I hope is helpful, but really what I’m encouraging is self validation. So that’s the first place I would start when you’re practicing and learning to, to bring yourself to family members and to bring yourself to individuals and family and not being a doormat.
Colt (01:56.582)
showing up, having a voice, becoming more of who you are, there’s going to be reaction and you will be tested for that. Your work is to learn how not to react to their reaction and stick to your guns, if you will, to plant your feet on the ground. So the first place I want to really start is be a broken record. Be a broken record. Be a broken record. Hey, I really would appreciate if you would listen.
Colt (02:26.252)
Well, you should just grow alligator skin and not feel that way. Okay, maybe. Anyway, I really need you to listen. Well, you shouldn’t be that way. By the way, look at the baseball game. Yeah, the baseball game, whatever. I do feel this way. I would really like to make it to, could you please listen and not interrupt? All right, so that’s a broken record. All right, and notice how I’m not defending. I want to get into that. It’s a reversal. I want to talk about reversals in Bowen Family Systems Theory.
Colt (02:56.34)
and helping you become more effective and less reactive. So notice I’m not defending, but I’m being a broken record. And that’s one thing that’s really important. Usually when you’re dismissed, you tend to give up, it didn’t work. Right? So this process, you need to be a broken record. You might need to do it six or seven times. But when you cannot react, when you can validate yourself, take full responsibility for how you feel, and really just say,
Colt (03:26.366)
Okay, anyway, this is still my boundary. This is still my boundary. I use this silly example all the time with my clients about the spaghetti, right? The process of I’m on a no carb diet because of dietary restrictions, whatever my doctor told me, and my family is freaking out that I’m not eating the same food as they’re eating. The goal is not to react to the freak out.
Colt (03:53.28)
You’re going to be tested, they’re going to try to change you back. The goal is to stick to the plan. Okay, I understand you’re hurt. This is still my boundary. And the more you do that, the more you can stick to the boundary, most people will adjust. When they don’t and you continue to practice calmness and set this boundary and people continue to dismiss you, that’s when no contact can be appropriate. And you can say,
Colt (04:23.102)
Okay, I’ve tried to this boundary. Apparently, this is not going to be respected. So I’m choosing to go away for a while. In three months, six months, let’s check back in. Let’s see if you all can respond. Let’s say uncle. You see, uncle, if you can respect and listen and let me finish and not interrupt and not lecture, then I think we could have a relationship that could work. Right now, it’s not working and I’m not going to keep myself around. Right? So that broken record, broken record, broken record.
Colt (04:52.714)
then gives you an opportunity to go into no contact. And you see how different that is from emotional cutoff. Emotional cutoff is a reaction, short term, short term solution. I’m going to react and leave. I only try, I did a boundary once, it didn’t work, I’m out. Or don’t even do a boundary at all, I’m out. And that really sends short term, it helps with anxiety, but long term, anytime you’re having tenseness in relationships,
Colt (05:20.478)
It really turns into this process of avoidant, avoidant, avoidant, avoidant, not actually growing and maturing as a person. But when you can calmly, surely say, hey, this isn’t working for me. This is what I need for it to work for me. This is too painful. I don’t like it when you’re lecturing me, whatever it is, that process of you setting those boundaries and then it not working and it continue to get more and more toxic. That’s when no contact can be appropriate.
Colt (05:49.324)
And typically over time, people do change or will adjust to you, not always. So I hope that makes sense. I want to get into reversals now. I I mentioned that a little bit with being a broken record, right? And typically I would do it three, four or five times. If it’s still not getting across, right? Then you may need to give it a break, come back to it and then assess with yourself, journaling with a coach that it’s time to go no contact. So reversals.
Colt (06:19.4)
Reversals are this process of, again, not reacting to the family system. It’s used to diffuse, to self-differentiate, to reduce anxiety, becoming more calm in the system. So when your uncle or whoever it may be says, you need to grow thick skin, okay, maybe I do. Or yeah, I’m sensitive.
Colt (06:46.856)
Anyway, this is my boundary. Can you do that? Can you listen and stop lecturing? Can you please stop dismissing me and listen, please? And you see how calm that is? And you’re not, you’re purposely agreeing, right? It almost sounds kind of pedant, but you’re purposely doing that to be effective, to diffuse the polarity, to diffuse the tension. My mentor, Jerry Wise, talks about this process of
Colt (07:16.394)
when your car is skidding on ice, what we wanna do is move away from the skid, but that actually causes us to go more out of control. What you wanna do when you’re driving is turn towards the skid, which helps you with maneuverability, right? Same in family systems. When you can turn towards skid, well, you’re just selfish. Well, you’re just need to have thick skin. When we could turn to skin, yeah, maybe I do need to have more thick skin. Yeah, maybe I am sensitive when you.
Colt (07:45.228)
Purposely agree it diffuses that and helps you to differentiate have more maneuverability my mentor Jerry Wise also talks about a time when he had a client say well, you’re the worst therapist in the world I Could be the worst therapist in the world and This is whatever the situation was. I can’t quite remember but this is where we’re at. How can I help?
Colt (08:13.078)
How can I help you as a therapist, even though I’m the worst in the world?” Logically, he knew he wasn’t the worst in the world, but defending yourself actually creates tension and more polarity. So same with the situation. You’re getting back to the process. You’re getting back to the boundary. It’s not about a boundary. It’s just this random trying to put you down or trying to bring tenseness. Okay, maybe that’s true. Maybe I’m the worst relative in the world. Anyway.
Colt (08:43.276)
Did you see the score yesterday? So right, so you’re given no power to these dysfunctional behaviors. You’re learning to become as least reactive as you possibly be and calmness is everything and be your own sense of worth. Again, that doesn’t mean you don’t have boundaries. That just means you have power and control in your own skin. Okay, the last thing I want to talk about is this process of reframe to sell. I absolutely love this. So,
Colt (09:12.726)
There’s a reversal, right? And there’s another way to become less reactive is acting as if if someone calls me a bad relative or a bad son, I could do the reverse. Okay, maybe I am a bad son. Right? Okay. I am a bad son. Anyway, here’s my boundary. Okay. I’m a bad son. I’m sorry. I’m a bad son. Anyway, how are your renovations with the house going? Right? That’s again, the reversal. The reframe to sell. I love this.
Colt (09:41.452)
is a process where no matter what’s happening, what you’re being told you are, almost assume like they’re calling you banana. You’re just stubborn. Imagine as if they’re calling you banana, as ridiculous as that sound, would you be defensive to that? Absolutely not. You would not be defensive to, you’re a banana, right? You would simply say, well, that’s silly. Anyway, change the subject.
Colt (10:11.232)
perhaps even play dumb, again, if that means being effective, in order for you to stay out of that reactivity, stay self-differentiated, stay on that path of self-differentiation, have that healthy power and control that you need in these situations, not react, still set those boundaries, whatever it may be. And this is where growth, this is where transformation happens. We can work with tension, Tai Chi, right? Work with the tension versus letting the tension work you.
Colt (10:41.756)
And so again, this question is how to deal with someone being dismissive. It’s hard to say, but generally speaking, if we’re talking about setting boundaries, perhaps moving towards no contact, gotta be a broken record, be a broken record, be a broken record, be a broken record. If it’s still is not being respected, right? Then we’re talking about no contact. And that process of being a broken record, instead of defending yourself, go into this game. Okay, maybe I, maybe I…
Colt (11:11.678)
Do you need thick skin? Maybe I am sensitive. Anyway, here’s my boundary or reframe to sell a almost act as if they called you something absolutely ridiculous. Why would you defend yourself? You wouldn’t. It’s ridiculous, right? Thank you. Anyway, how’s those renovations going? All right. That’s my video for the day. Thank you so much for the questions. Please keep them coming. Please don’t hesitate. Here’s my challenge. We’re getting into holidays, right? Tomorrow’s Thanksgiving in 2024.
Colt (11:42.316)
Ask yourself, am I reacting to my system? How can I take full responsibility instead of waiting for family members to change so I’m okay? How can I practice on being okay? What does that process look like? How do I focus on me? And even better yet, when will you focus on you? When will you make that decision? You can make that decision today. If you need help, please reach out in the description below.
Colt (12:11.392)
is way to contact me, get in contact with me to get coaching. I have packages, work individually, and look forward to hearing from you. Continue to make videos. Take care.
