How ACT Helps You Set Boundaries Without Guilt

Setting boundaries can feel uncomfortable—especially if you’re used to prioritizing others’ needs over your own. For many, the simple act of saying “no” brings up anxiety, guilt, and even shame. You may worry that drawing a line will make you seem selfish, unkind, or unloving. You might fear disappointing someone you care about or imagine that setting a limit will trigger rejection, conflict, or abandonment.

But boundaries aren’t about pushing people away. They’re about showing up with integrity—honoring your own limits while still staying connected to others. At Bydand Therapy, we help people recognize that boundaries are not acts of rejection but acts of respect. They allow you to live more fully in alignment with your values. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) is a powerful tool that helps you do just that—set boundaries rooted in what truly matters, even in the face of guilt or fear.

Why Boundaries Are So Hard to Set

If you’ve ever found yourself overcommitting, saying yes when you meant no, or feeling resentful after a social interaction, you’re not alone. Many people struggle to set boundaries, and it often stems from deep-seated beliefs or painful past experiences. Some common reasons include:

• Fear of rejection or disappointing others: You might worry that if you assert your needs, people will be upset with you—or leave altogether.

• Guilt over putting yourself first: You may have internalized messages that it’s wrong to prioritize your well-being.

• Cultural or family conditioning: Beliefs like “I should always be available,” “It’s my job to keep the peace,” or “If I set boundaries, I’m being ungrateful” can feel like unquestionable truths.

• Confusing boundaries with conflict: Many people believe that setting a boundary means starting a fight. In reality, boundaries often prevent conflict by clarifying expectations and reducing resentment.

When you carry these beliefs, guilt becomes the default emotional response. Instead of setting a boundary, you abandon yourself to avoid discomfort. Over time, this can lead to burnout, resentment, and a sense that your needs don’t matter.

ACT doesn’t aim to make these fears vanish. Instead, it helps you relate to them differently—so they no longer control your behavior.

How ACT Supports Boundary-Setting

ACT, or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, is a behavioral approach that helps you live more meaningfully by aligning your actions with your values, even when uncomfortable thoughts and emotions show up. Here’s how it helps you set boundaries without letting guilt run the show:

1. Values Clarification

The foundation of boundary-setting in ACT is clarity around what matters most to you. Is it honesty? Respect? Rest? Connection? Growth?

When you know what your values are, decisions become clearer. Saying no isn’t about shutting someone out—it’s about saying yes to what you deeply care about. For example, if you value family, you might choose to end work at 5 p.m. even if your boss pressures you to stay late. If you value rest, you might decline a weekend event without explaining or apologizing.

At Bydand Therapy, we walk clients through values exercises that help them identify the why behind their boundaries. This makes boundary-setting feel like an act of purpose, not punishment.

2. Defusion from Guilt-Ridden Thoughts

Guilt often shows up in the form of thoughts like:

• “I’m being selfish.”

• “They’ll think I don’t care.”

• “I shouldn’t need this.”

• “They’re going to hate me.”

In ACT, we practice defusion, which means recognizing these thoughts as just that—thoughts. Not facts. Not commands. Just mental activity.

Instead of getting tangled in guilt, you learn to observe it from a distance. You might even say, “Ah, there’s my guilt story again,” and choose to act from your values anyway. The goal isn’t to get rid of guilt entirely; it’s to stop letting it dictate your actions.

3. Present-Moment Awareness

Mindfulness is another core process in ACT. When it comes to boundary-setting, present-moment awareness helps you slow down, notice what’s happening inside, and respond instead of reacting.

Let’s say someone asks you for a favor. Your body tightens, your mind races, and guilt kicks in. With mindfulness, you can pause and check in:

• What am I feeling?

• What do I need?

• What matters here?

This kind of awareness helps you make more intentional choices, rather than getting swept away by automatic habits like people-pleasing or self-silencing.

4. Acceptance of Discomfort

Setting boundaries doesn’t always feel good in the moment. That’s okay.

ACT helps you build psychological flexibility—the ability to stay present with difficult feelings like guilt, awkwardness, or fear, without letting them stop you. You learn to say, “This feels hard, but it doesn’t mean I’m doing something wrong.”

The discomfort of boundary-setting often means you’re growing. You’re shifting away from old patterns and toward a life that reflects your values. And growth isn’t always comfortable—it’s often stretchy, unfamiliar, and even a little painful. But that doesn’t mean it’s not worth it.

5. Committed Action

This is where it all comes together. Committed action means taking values-aligned steps even in the presence of discomfort. You don’t need to feel completely confident or guilt-free to set a boundary. You just need to be willing to act from what matters.

This might look like:

• Politely declining an invitation to protect your rest.

• Telling a family member you’re not available for a certain kind of conversation.

• Speaking up when someone crosses a line, even if your voice shakes.

ACT helps you move from avoidance to action. Not because it guarantees smooth outcomes—but because it helps you live a life of integrity.

Boundaries Build Connection, Not Walls

One of the most common misconceptions is that boundaries push people away. But in truth, healthy boundaries make connection possible. When you’re clear about your limits, you can show up more authentically, with less resentment and more presence.

Boundaries reduce confusion, protect your energy, and create space for mutual respect. They allow you to be in relationships without losing yourself.

At Bydand Therapy, we believe that boundaries are acts of love—not just for yourself, but for others too. When you stop over-functioning or people-pleasing, you give people the chance to know the real you. And that’s where real connection begins.

Working With Guilt (Instead of Erasing It)

Let’s be clear: the goal of ACT isn’t to eliminate guilt completely. Guilt is a human emotion—it’s going to show up. But you don’t have to obey it. You don’t have to wait until it’s gone before you take action.

Instead, ACT teaches you how to make space for guilt, acknowledge it, and still move toward what matters. You learn to say, “Yes, guilt is here—but I’m not letting it run the show.”

When you act from values, not emotion, you build a life that feels more fulfilling, not just more comfortable.

Ready to Start?

If you’re tired of saying yes when you want to say no… if you’re ready to stop feeling responsible for everyone else’s emotions… if you’re longing to live with more clarity, confidence, and connection—ACT can help.

At Bydand Therapy, we specialize in Acceptance and Commitment Therapy to support people just like you. We work with clients across California and Wyoming through telehealth, and we offer international coaching for those outside the U.S.

You don’t need to wait until you feel ready. You just need to be willing to try. Let’s take that next step—together.

Schedule a free 15-minute consultation today. Your boundaries matter. So do you.