042 | Living with an Enmeshed Person

Colt (00:00.0)
Hello, my name is Colt. I’m a Bowen Family Systems expert, licensed therapist, international coach, and I work with people to be more effective, to transform their lives. And today I’m talking about how to be effective when you’re living within a meshed person. A couple episodes ago, I talked about living with someone from a cutoff background. Today, opposite side of the same coin and meshed, both coming from dysfunctional families.

Colt (00:29.546)
a very distant family situation, another one’s very connected. So living with someone from an enmeshed family background, particularly when they are still highly meshed, can feel overwhelming and very complicated. Enmeshment occurs when family members have blurred or overly permeable boundaries, making it difficult for individuals to maintain their independence or form separate identities.

Colt (00:58.392)
Where do I begin? Where do they end? In the context of Bowen Family Systems Theory, enmeshment highlights a lack of differentiation of being a well-defined self. There’s lacking of it, especially in the context of their family of origin. All of a sudden, they may be this confident person, but once the family comes around, who are they? It’s like you can’t even recognize them anymore. They can’t recognize themselves. This enmeshment highlights a lack of differentiation and excessive emotional entanglement.

Colt (01:27.884)
Man, entanglement is the word within the family unit. Here’s what it’s like and how to navigate it. So whether we’re talking about living with a cutoff person or a mesh person, if you’re living with either one of those people, you’re going to hear me say over and over again, focus on you, focus on you and your boundaries to help the other person with their own self-differentiation. If you focus on the other person, trying to change them from being non-emeshed to becoming more self-differentiated,

Colt (01:56.844)
You’re not gonna help. When you focus on you, you support their growth, of course, you have boundaries, you’re not gonna enable it. That’s when, at the end of the day, that’s the number one. I’m give you more details here and coaching can help with those fine-tune specific issues. Nonetheless, here we go. So emotional dynamics. One, over-involvement with family. That’s a huge sign that this person’s enmeshed, right? A highly-meshed person often remains.

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deeply entangled with their family of origin. This can mean excessive involvement in family decisions, frequent communication, or deferring to their family’s needs, opinions, or approval over their own. So in fact, dysfunctional families that are enmeshed typically eat their own. As crass as that sounds, the picture I hope can send the message home emotionally. The emotional immaturity, the blending.

Colt (02:54.594)
So there’s boundary challenges, right? They may struggle to establish healthy boundaries leading to conflicts about privacy, time or priorities. Their family might intrude on your life together or they may feel guilty for asserting independence from their family. Okay, three, emotional reactivity. Reactivity, reactivity. When you’re doing Bowen Family Systems work with a coach, a therapist, the goal is to get to this place of stability.

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being able to reduce anxiety, being able to be effective. So this person is in a mesh family. Emotions can flow unfiltered between members, meaning the person you live with might carry stress, guilt, or obligation from their family into your relationship. Emotional states can escalate quickly due to the family’s collective sensitivity. Four, identity confusion. They might have difficulty distinguishing between their own thoughts, feelings, and desires.

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versus what their family expects or needs. And that’s really sad, right? That’s a really sad space to be. I can’t be me in the context of this family. This family and the emotional system comes first. This can result in indecision, resentment, or struggle with authenticity in your relationship. A lot of times too, people come from the measurement there’s only one way, the right way and the wrong way. It’s very black and white environment.

Colt (04:21.054)
There’s not an in-between, there’s not a dance with life. There’s a, you either do it or you don’t do it. There’s only one right way, damn it, nothing else. And then fifth, loyalty conflicts. Their loyalty to their family may feel like competition with their loyalty to you. They may prioritize family obligations over your shared goals or hesitate to disagree with family members even when it affects your relationship.

Colt (04:49.334)
Right. And this is why it’s so important to have those boundaries when you’re living within a mesh or cutoff person getting clear, like, Hey, this is not going to work for me. This is what I need. Right. And doing that in a very calm way, taking full responsibility for your feelings and what it’s like when family of origin comes before the marriage or the relationship. So challenges you may experience living with this person and working through focusing on you. Like I keep harping on here is focusing on you is.

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Feeling second place. Clearly identify if you are feeling in second place. You might feel like your relationship is secondary to the family dynamics, leaving you sidelined or unimportant. Now there’s a difference between requiring you to be the colonel of shots, that’s a narcissistic trait right there. But when you’re feeling second place, it’s important that that’s being articulated. It feels like as long as my family’s okay, then

Colt (05:48.812)
then the world’s gonna keep spinning. You being okay, that’s if it’s convenient for the family, right? Intrusion into your life, their family may exert influence or control over decisions you should feel should be private, such as finances, parenting, or household choices, right? We need to be in charge. You’re not allowed to have your own marriage. Emotional exhaustion, managing the ripple effects of their family stress or over-involvement can drain your energy and patience. Boy, is that true.

Colt (06:19.244)
This is really important when you’re knowing you’re going into these situations, the family dynamics with your person, whatever it may be, know that this is going to take a lot. Probably shouldn’t spend two to three weeks if you haven’t done a lot of self-differentiation work on yourself. Probably more like two to three days, if not just a day. Codependency patterns. You may find yourself adjusting your needs or behaviors to accommodate the mesh dynamics.

Colt (06:46.498)
Potentially losing your own sense of individuality. I know that’s true for me in my experience trying to not rock the boat to be a part of right to to Break my own guiding principles in order for everyone else to be okay in the short term that works with by putting my anxiety down But long term it kept the dysfunction going Okay, and then let’s talk about some Bowen family systems insights with all this

Colt (07:16.152)
So again, this theory emphasizes differentiation of self becoming a more well-defined version of who you are or the ability to maintain one’s emotional autonomy while staying connected to others. And that’s the real take home with self-differentiation bone family systems is dancing, finding this balance between you and other people, knowing where you start, where you end and other people begin. In a meshed system, differentiation is low.

Colt (07:44.352)
meaning people are overly fused with their family emotionally. Your partner’s enmeshment is likely rooted in unresolved family patterns, where dependency and over-connection have been passed down across generations. So understanding enmeshment through this lens can help you see the broader system, and help them too, because the more that you self-differentiate, the more that they have the opportunity to do that as well. Their behavior is part of a multi-generational family system, not solely an individual choice or failure.

Colt (08:13.344)
And that takes a lot of shame out. If you come from a mesh family or a cutoff family, this is probably related to great, great grandfather or grandmother. Doesn’t necessarily mean it’s your fault or that this is something, and most of time it’s not. It is your responsibility to change those. So not your fault, your responsibility. Two, acknowledge anxiety driving enmeshment. Enmesh families often fear loss or rejection.

Colt (08:42.572)
leading to excessive closeness as a way to manage that anxiety. So acknowledging that, being aware of it, watching it like a bird in a bird’s eye view, right? Like a fly on the wall technique.

Colt (08:56.524)
Focus on emotional boundaries. Helping your person that you live with, your wife, your husband, develop boundaries isn’t about breaking family ties, but about encouraging healthy connection with both family and you. Keyword encouraging. Focusing on you. Focus on your boundaries. Encourage those boundaries for them with their own family and what you’re willing and not willing to tolerate. So, strategies for living within a mesh partner. At the end of the day,

Colt (09:25.208)
I’m gonna repeat myself, repeat myself. Focus on you, focus on your own boundaries, focus on your own self-differentiation. That work never ends. So one, model and encourage healthy boundaries. Respectfully discuss your needs for privacy, independence, and couple-focused time. Normalize the idea that boundaries create healthy relationships, not distance or rejection. I just had a memory, I am not joking. I had a relationship with a woman that…

Colt (09:53.484)
got to the point of it getting more serious and it came to my attention that she was very in mesh with her father. And she literally told me this, this is really what we said. I am not going to choose you over my father. and that’s when I knew that this wasn’t going to go anywhere further than it had gone. That’s when I knew it was time to step away. If this, if you’re, if you’re willing to place parents as an adult over a romantic relationship, over a

Colt (10:23.266)
future marriage, that is a huge sign of enmeshment, especially lack of willingness with the way she said it, to change, not healthy. Gently point out instances where boundaries may be lacking or enmeshment causes friction. Second strategy, avoid criticizing their family. This is hard. Those good for nothing so and so’s, they don’t let you be a self, they’re selfish, right?

Colt (10:50.282)
Stay away from that. Criticizing their family can make them defensive or feel torn. Everyone loses. Instead, focus on behaviors or dynamics that impact your relationships. Again, focus on you, focus on you, focus on you. It’s not about you, and you are responsible for your partner relationship. Frame conversations as being about your shared goals and needs. It’s not about cutting ties or devaluing their family. Their mom and dad will always be their mom and dad.

Colt (11:20.664)
That being said, they’re not mommy and daddy anymore and working for that self differentiation in your process and that is so important. Foster differentiation, encourage your person to explore their own values, preferences, goals, separate from their family expectations, not forcing it, encouraging it. Support them in making decisions independently of their families, influences even in small ways. fourth strategy, communicate openly and compassionately.

Colt (11:49.142)
Now you got to be careful of the word compassionately. for good reason, we have a good intentioned focused on kindness and compassion and empathy. All these are great, wonderful things. But when you’re working to self differentiate, you got to be careful not to be so compassionate, empathetic that it takes precedence over boundaries, takes precedent over the work. So express your feelings without blame, such as when your family’s involved in our decisions, I feel sometimes my voice isn’t heard.

Colt (12:18.444)
Take full responsibility, I statements. Ask open-ended questions to understand their perspective and the emotions driving their loyalty to family. Five, set clear expectations as a couple. Decide together how to handle family involvement, including visiting schedules, decision-making, and financial or emotional support. Stand united when addressing family interference, showing that you your partner are a team. Team, team, team.

Colt (12:46.68)
That is such a big part of this success in my own marriage is reframing everything as we are a team. Let’s work to make this work, to make a decision here versus I want to win or she wants to win. And then six, seek outside support. Consider family systems, therapy or counseling to help your partner explore their family dynamics and non-judgmental environment. Work together on tools like self-soothing, mindfulness or assertiveness to help both of you navigate

Colt (13:16.12)
and mesh challenges. Again, at the end of the day, call to action here is focus on you, focus on your boundaries. If you’re living within a mesh or cutoff person, encouragement, stand firm, right? Or if you are a mesh person, cutoff person, working on your part in that process as well. And we’ll focus on your self-differentiation, not changing anybody but you. And you have no points for style here. It’s all about your work and moving forward. Take care.