044 | Feel It To Heal It?

Colt (00:00)
Hello, my name is Colt Gordon, Bowen Family Systems expert out here in Cote, Wyoming, Yellowstone National Park area of the world. And I’m a therapist, coach for people with Bowen Family Systems, and essentially help people to think in systems in order for them to self-differentiate, become a more well-defined self. Today I’m talking about the concept of feelings from a

Bowen Family Systems lens. So you probably heard this saying, you feel it to heal it. Feel your feelings. And I’m gonna challenge that today. It’s not that feeling your feelings is bad necessarily. It’s that this idea holds a truth in certain context, then it becomes problematic when those feelings are rooted in family system dynamics. So.

True healing and growth requires understanding that many of our feelings and thoughts may not actually belong to us, but are inherited or shaped by the emotional field of our system. These may not be my thoughts. These may not be my feelings. I’m experiencing them, but they may not be mine.

So first let’s discuss the role of family systems in shaping feelings. Then we’ll discuss the problem with feeling it to heal it. Three, a different approach to thinking objectively. And then we’ll conclude and wrap up with a call to action. So the first role of family system in shaping feelings. So the definition of family systems feelings is emotions and reactions influenced by intergenerational dynamics and measurement or unresolved family.

examples, anxiety that mirrors a parent’s unresolved fears, or guilt that arises from implicit family expectations. So let’s say that I have boundaries and my family’s not big on boundaries, very enmeshed. We just do whatever the tribe needs in order for everyone to be okay. And I step out and say, you know what? I’m not drinking anymore.

I’m decided to be Baptist, not Catholic anymore. And you haven’t done anything wrong, right? But it feels like you have. You feel guilt. But it doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong. It’s important to differentiate real guilt, like if you punch someone in the face, you should probably feel guilty about that. But if you’re deciding to be Baptist and a Catholic, or you are deciding that you like vanilla instead of chocolate,

That’s not something to actually feel guilty about when you have a preference And to be able to watch that so when these feelings dominate they hinder Self differentiation they hinder self differentiation when those feelings come in the ability to find oneself by staying connected to others Define oneself while being connected so the goal isn’t to get rid of the people that cause discomfort or that are there’s discomfort when you become more of itself the goal is to be

calm the self that you are. I like vanilla. I’m a Baptist now. Instead of trying to get rid of those people run away in order for you to be yourself. Becoming yourself in the context of the people that you grew up with, mom, dad, sister, brother, friends. Okay, two. The problem with feeling to heal it in the family systems context. Misguided focus on feelings. Feelings and dwelling on family system feelings may reinforce enmeshment.

rather than promote healing. Risk of losing objectivity. Emotional reactivity often clouds rational thought and perpetuates emotional fusion with family members. So again, there’s this concept, you gotta feel it to heal it. That’s true on the front end in therapy or coaching. It’s really important that you have a feelings wheel, for instance, that you know the difference between sad and guilt and fear. All that is an important part of the training process to healing.

It’s important. But if we’re just feeling feelings for the sport of it, can cause re-traumatize yourself. That can cause a lot of confusion. I’m just supposed to feel and go down, go deeper and deeper and deeper as if just doing that’s going to heal you. Not necessarily. That can actually create more problems. That can actually create a situation where I’m feeling feelings and I’m trying to get in touch with all my parts and feel as if that’s just going to heal.

No, sometimes we actually need to block our feelings. You won’t hear that from lot of therapists and Coaches, if you are feeling guilty and there’s nothing you’ve done wrong, you feel guilty and you’re trying to go back, change back to the self that people are used to, but you’re not doing anything wrong, you’re actually becoming a more well-defined self. It’s appropriate to block your feelings, to push those feelings down in order to continue to grow and become a more well-defined self.

A different approach to thinking objectively. So I talked to lot of my clients about it’s important to generalize. You’ll hear a lot of times you shouldn’t generalize. Generalizing is not good. Well, generalizing if it’s for the goal of objectivity and growth is very helpful. For instance, I had a client recently said, I don’t know how long you date someone until they become your boyfriend. Well, let’s just…

Zoom out for a second. Generally speaking, there’s exceptions. What’s a typical amount of time to date someone until you commit into a boyfriend girlfriend situation? She said three months. Is there exceptions to that? Yes. But generally speaking, that’s sounds about right. So using generalizations, not being scared of a generalization, right? Here’s an example of watching yourself like you’re a character in a movie.

Objectively watching yourself. Yes, I feel anxious, but I’m not doing anything wrong. This is good for me I’m just not used to it. So the anxiety is coming from not being used to but it’s not because there’s actually anything to feel anxious about Right. There’s no bear So the self differentiation as the goal self differentiation is the ability to separate one’s feelings and thoughts from those of the family system This is why this work and transformation is so hard

takes a lot of thought, a lot of objectivity. If you just go on automatic pilot, you’re just gonna keep recreating what you’ve always gotten. And if that works for you, go ahead. But if it doesn’t work for you, you get to a lot of thought, a lot of pausing, a lot of work. But frankly, this work is a lot easier than not doing the work, especially if you come from a dysfunctional family. Yes, it’s a lot of work. But if you don’t do the work, it’s a lot more work to be dysfunctional. I speak from experience.

By the I’m a little tired today because I just got back from a 10 day trip from Europe. It was awesome. Central Europe. I was in Budapest, was in Vienna, the Alps and Munich. So I’m a little jet lag still, but we’re making it work. So the next point of a different approach to thinking objectively is use, use of objectivity and generalizations as I already discussed, but stepping back and observing patterns in the family system, right? Flying the wall technique. Watch yourself like a fly on the wall or like you’re a character in a movie.

Generalizing can help reduce over identification with specific emotions or situations. You got to get out of your own skin and practical tools observation without reactivity Observe don’t absorb Observe don’t absorb you’re going to feel certain things, but you don’t need to absorb those feelings you can I’m noticing the feeling versus I am anxious. I’m noticing the feeling of anxiety or as

Irish culture would say, anxiety is visiting me today. I’m gonna have a cup of tea with them, have a cup of coffee with anxiety. It’s visiting me today, but that’s not who I am. Generalizing, generalizing defined perspective, frame individual struggles as part of a broader family dynamics rather than personal flaws. Frame individual struggles as part of a broader family dynamic rather than personal flaws. I’m noticing I feel anxious.

when I’m being vulnerable. Interesting. Let’s think in systems. When I was vulnerable in my family system, growing up in an alcoholic family, it wasn’t safe. Don’t talk, don’t trust, don’t feel. So in order for me to grow, I need to be vulnerable and that anxiety is coming from that lack of safety from my family thinking in systems, right? So thanks for sharing. I feel that.

it’s not my thoughts, not my feelings. I can block that as a result and continue my growth by being vulnerable. That’s scary because that means I can be rejected. But guess what? I’m not going to reject myself first. I’m going let someone else do that now. But it’s what we do when we come from dysfunctional families. In order to stay safe, I’ll reject me first and be vulnerable and be rejected. Doesn’t work. Makes sense why we do it. Safety, But

What’s more important is growth over safety. Safety is important, but not more important than growth. So conclusion, why feeling your feelings is often seen as a path to healing. This approach can be unhelpful if those feelings are rude and family system dynamics, right? Real guilt, I punched someone in the face, feel guilty. Correct that guilt because you’re becoming more of who you are coming from family system dynamics, perhaps let’s challenge that and not feel it.

Understand that some feelings and thoughts are not truly our own opens the door to greater objectivity and self differentiation Call to action. I encourage you to pause and reflect on whether they’re your feelings and thoughts might be tied to family systems

advocate for the practice of thinking objectively, generalize, and stepping into your authentic self. It’s okay to use generalizations if it means a process of growth. It’s even okay to use generalization if it’s not a process of growth because generalizations are generally true. Closing thoughts. Healing begins not with feeling more deeply, but with seeing more clearly and having the courage to step out of the family emotional field and into your own life.

You’re no longer bound to the coaches and therapists in your area. So please reach out if you are looking for coaching. You can get a free 15 minute consultation, see the details in the description below in this podcast description, et cetera. I’ll talk to you later. Bye.