Colt (00:01)
Hello, my name is Colt and I’m a therapist out in Cody, Wyoming, also serving people in California out here in the Yellowstone area. And today I’m talking about stop over functioning in relationships. We are relational beings. If we have too much closeness, we lose individuality. If we have too much distance, we lose relationships. We also lose self in that way. Part of Bowen Family Systems, part of the…
The work I do with people is finding self in the context of others, finding self in the context of your beliefs, spiritually or otherwise, being able to bring yourself more to your work, to your families, to your relationships. When you can do that, healing can occur, not only in relationships, but with yourself. So do you ever feel like you’re doing all the heavy lifting in your relationships when we’re talking about over-functioning, right? Emotionally or otherwise? You’re probably over-functioning.
So today I’m talking about over function is why it happens, how to stop it. So I’ll define it, why we do it, the cost of over function, a new way to approach giving over performing perfectionism and how to stop over function overall. definition over function happens when you take on more than your share of responsibility in a relationship, often doing far more than is healthy or sustainable.
So examples, always solving problems for others, Taking care of all the emotional, mental or physical labor. Shielding others or enabling others from their own mistakes or responsibilities, right? So spouse is alcoholic, you don’t actually have a consequence of leaving or any boundaries around that. Maybe even buy the alcohol, right? That’s one of the obvious examples. So the reality is you end up doing 150 to 90 % of the work.
weather person coast along at 10 to 50%. Okay. Um, there’s a wonderful intro, um, of the movie stripes, I believe with Bill Murray and this woman is, uh, breaking up with him because more or less he’s an under functioner and she’s over functioning. And his last plea to her leaving is don’t leave all the plants are going to die. So that is.
definition, textbook, archetypically, an under functioner. Please don’t leave. If you leave, nothing will work in my life. And an over functioner will stay because a lot of times we have the limiting beliefs that that is how we find worth. That is who we are. We’re someone that jumps and runs. That’s how we found self-worth. When you can start to work on that, you don’t have to be that person that enables under functioner. by the way, when you enable under functioners,
They don’t get better, they get worse over time. So why do we over function? I already touched on that. Maybe you’re fulfilling a limiting belief. You’re believing that you are worth while only when you’re showing up and meeting everyone else’s needs. Meanwhile, you don’t have any. Okay. Attraction to under functioners, people who avoid responsibility like narcissists, dependents, or those with addiction, their lack of other
effort can push you into over functioning to maintain the relationship because you’d rather be alone or excuse me with someone than alone. Personal patterns, perfectionism or fear of fear of failure, right? If you constantly surround yourself with an under functioner, you’re certainly going to be juxtaposed to someone that is not striving for perfection and therefore can give you an ego boost. For instance,
Feeling responsible for others equals some sort of happiness for you. Believing you need to fix or save others, again, that belief. I always go back to beliefs because beliefs, being in the life of, right, is an operating system, a way that we look into the world, our matrix. And when you can become aware of it, you can break out of the matrix, if you will, and start to self-differentiate and get more healthy in all your relationships, right? To start to dance with life versus being run.
by your emotions and thoughts. So the cost of over-functioning to you, burnout, resentment, and neglect your own needs. One of my favorite quotes lately is, it’s better to feel guilty than resentful. It’s better to feel guilty than resentful. Guilt is not an emergency, but when you’re used to jumping and running and over-functioning, you’re gonna feel a lot of guilt. But is it real guilt? Ask yourself, am I doing anything wrong? And if you’re not, stick to your guns, stand on both feet.
sit on your hands. Tomorrow you can change your mind, but not today. Losing your sense of self in the process of helping other, that’s another cost, right? You continue to define self by how others think of you or how they feel about you. To the relationship, enabling the other person to stay immature, dependent. You’re really not being a loving person when you’re constantly over function. It’s really a selfish act because you get to feel good and honorable because you’re doing all these things.
the person but really it’s not honoring at all and it’s not actually giving the person an opportunity to grow because you’ll jump in and save them. A lot time when I’m working with parents of addicted children whether they be adult or adolescents is teaching them to stop putting a cushion on the floor for their addict child or addict adult child to fall on because if they are constantly hitting a
Soft ground they’re not gonna learn so you teach them how to let your child your adult child or your adolescent To feel the cold hard floor. Yeah, but I feel bad Great. I understand you feel bad but practically speaking is it actually helping the person grow when you’re ever functioning and being and Continually to bring in a soft cushion for them to land on no Okay
and then preventing true connection and mutual respect. You’re not going to have that true connection or mutual respect if you’re constantly over-functioning because you’re going to be filled with resentment. Okay, new approach to giving. I love this quote. Carl Whitaker’s wisdom, only give when you feel the milk overflowing from your own nipples. Crass quote, but a great image of when it’s, you kind of got to be extreme when you’re over-functioning.
You gotta almost go in the opposite direction to learn the balance. Right? So, and what it means, give only when you have extra to give, not when you’re depleted or resentful or afraid of not feeling guilty, of feeling guilty, excuse me. So practical takeaway, check in with yourself. Are you giving out of obligation, guilt or fear? Or are you giving freely because you truly want to? So overperforming and perfectionism, the hidden forms of our functioning, what it looks like.
Constantly striving to be perfect to gain approval or avoid conflict. Taking on tasks to maintain control or prove your worth. Why it happens, deep seat of fear or being judged, rejected or seen is not good enough. So how to stop. Recognize the pattern. Notice when you’re doing more than your share and how it’s affecting you. Two, set boundaries. Clear to find what is and isn’t your responsibility. Where you end and that a person begins.
Allow others to handle their own tasks and consequences. Let them feel the pain of the bed they made. That does not make you bad. Three, prioritize self-care. Focus on being your own needs first. Practice saying no and manage the guilt. Notice the guilt. Don’t try to get rid of it. Right? Catch it like a baseball. interesting. Thank you. I’m not doing anything wrong. We’re going to try this now. Right? Practice that self-compassion.
Reframe giving give from a place of abundance not exhaustion Ask yourself. Do I have the capacity to give now if you don’t have the capacity that’s enough of a reason to say no Discomfort is that enough of a reason to say no. Yes But they’ll call me a bad son. They’ll call me a bad spouse. Okay
And this is what I’m Build mutual relationships. Going back to that. Other people are not the arbiter of reality. Okay. If something is not, you don’t have the capacity for it. That’s part of reality and you need to stand on that practice courage for self differentiation, build mutual respect, look for balance and shared effort in your connections. Otherwise we’re not really talking about relationship. We’re not relating. We’re not dancing. Right.
You’re finding worth by rescuing and let another person scream, don’t leave, all the plants are going to die. Okay, well I better stay then. Call to action. Write down one error where you are over functioning, one action you can take to stop. Mention, so mention to yourself all the tools you’ve learned in therapy, coaching, books you’ve read, bone family systems, remind yourself, use those monitors, right? I can handle it. They’re not going to die and I’m not going to die. So.
Also, you’re not bound to the therapists and coaches in your area. Please reach out whether it’s questions through emails, a video you like me to make, whatever it may be, and practice these tools. This takes practice like a violin, like a piano. This takes work. Okay, don’t go. All the plants are gonna die.
