Colt (00:00)
Hello, my name is Colt Gordon and I’m here to continue to talk about self-differentiation principles from a family systems lens, whether you come from functional, dysfunctional, whatever kind of family you come from, when you can think in systems, when you can see yourself not just as an individual stovepipe, but a part of a system where you came from, and you can be aware of the patterns that you developed as a result, you can better outgrow those patterns.
For instance, if you’re people pleaser or if you keep on Accepting bad behavior from others that’s probably coming from system the system become from you probably have a high tolerance for that behavior and when you can start thinking in systems it’s not just a matter of Stop doing that. It’s a matter of like that is the pattern at work within me and I can work on Taking that pattern out of me off the spot out of the moment. So in the moment becomes easier to practice
being a more well-defined self. Today I want to talk about this concept of accepting the hell that we know. Whenever we’re starting, that’s one of the huge challenges with growth is we would rather go back to what we know, even if it’s hell, even if it’s bad for us, because at least we can sink our teeth into it. At least we can get our hands around it. Then to go towards something that we know is better for us. But we end up
running back because there’s too much uncertainty. We don’t know what that would look like. You can actually work on becoming the kind of person that would choose healthier outcomes in the moment by thinking about these things outside of the moment because self-sabotage running from what’s good for us self-sabotage is not this shameful thing like I self-sabotage self-sabotage all that’s trying to do is protect you.
Self-sabotage is a way to keep you in the homeostasis of what you know. It keeps you safe. But if safety is more important than fulfillment, you’re not going to be very fulfilled. So when you’re working with a coach, a therapist, when you’re learning about these things and finding ways outside of it, it comes down to recognizing I value growth, fulfillment, life satisfaction more than I value safety and immediate comfort.
Notice a lot of times when we get immediate self gratification, immediate gratification, it’s comfortable in the moment, but long term it keeps our life uncomfortable. So this work of self differentiation, of going into the land that we don’t know that we’re scared of, but we know it’s good for us, that it’s going to bring adventure to our lives, going to be fulfillment and satisfaction to our lives. It’s going to require a knowledge that that is not in the short term what you’re going to want to do, but it’s something I’m willing to do because I’m looking for long term fulfillment.
And a lot times it’s driving us back to what we know, right? Is that unworthiness that I belong and that I’m worthy of love and being aware of those narratives that I come from a background where I had to put myself on the back burner. I had to put myself last in order to survive and be okay. And I could continue to do that if it works for me. But if it’s not working, I can start to install outside.
outside of those moments, start to really think and drill into my mind, no, I am worthy of love and belonging. And I can have standards and I can have boundaries. Start really connecting with your true identity, your true self. And I’ll talk about that a little bit more. But really, when this comes down to is this process of off the spot and on the spot. And all I really mean by on the spot and off the spot, on the spot is what’s happening in the
It’s an opportunity for you to actually stand up for yourself to have those boundaries. And those skills are really important to develop. Dear man from DPT, instance, right? Learning just to say, no. That’s important. The outside of the moment, they’re off the spot, is this process of maybe prayer, meditation, installing some new core mantras. I’m worthy of love and belonging.
And this is the reparenting process I talk a lot with people about is if you can get into an active ongoing process of reparenting yourself, then it’s gonna be so much easier to become the person in the moment that doesn’t put up with BS, right? It’s one thing to say, I’m not gonna put up with BS anymore. But if you don’t actually do that inner work that off the spot and look at your system where you come from,
You’re probably, if you just go on automatic play, are going to go back to it knee-jerk reaction-wise. So it’s really important to recognize you can make all the commitments you want. You can do all the jumping jacks and back flips and woo, I’m never going back anymore. I’m done with that guy. I’m done with that gal. But if you don’t actually, off the spot, off the moment, go and examine what’s really going on, really think about it, really install new core beliefs.
then you’re going back and that’s not against a shame, it’s just to recognize basic human psychology. Familiar hells are preferable to strange heavens. And by the way, when you start going towards the strange heavens, it feels like hell because you’re allowing another part of you to die. And when you allow that other part of you to die, it hurts, it doesn’t feel good. But recognizing that pruning is what’s going to create more fruit, more…
that satisfaction that you’re looking for and being able to accept and having that willingness to go through that pain. So it’s kind of like this idea of you’re picking two hells, the hell of what you’ve always known or the hell of growth that turns into heaven, that strange heaven. Last thing I’m going to talk about is true identity. If you don’t find a way of groundedness and really connecting with your true identity, then your identity, your
The way you feel justified and OK is just can continue to repeat itself. For instance, people that grow up in alcoholic environments, the way they find to be OK is constantly people pleasing, perhaps. Constantly being codependent with mom and dad, so therefore codependent with the world, people, places, and things. And if I just keep being nice and wonderful and do all these backflips for everyone else, then I’ll be OK. And there’s no evidence that’s actually going to work out, but I keep doing it. Because one day I’ll find nirvana, and I’ll be OK.
Is that working? Probably not. So when we can start really connecting with our true identity, for instance, one that I consistently am circling back to is I’m a child of God, when I could consistently connect to that I’m a child of God, that I’m okay, I don’t need to do anything to receive my higher powers love. I’m just in my higher powers love. I can identify with that. I am.
period, subject, veris, complete sentence. Right? If that language is uncomfortable for you, find something else that could work for you. Right? But for me, that works for me, recognizing I’m a child of God and that I don’t need to keep recreating my past one day thinking it’s going to work and I’m going to be OK. It doesn’t. And so I can say I’m practicing, I’m connecting to that truth.
to that reality and find that rest and relief right through prayer and meditation, which I do. And so therefore, in the moment, if I’m connecting outside of the moment, in the moment, I have become the kind of person that has strong boundaries. I’m not the kind of person that lays down and I’m a doormat anymore. So something I really want to drive home is in this process of accepting hell that we know and learning to
create those new outcomes at new heaven. When outside of those moments, you can really connect to who you actually are. Right? Hope I’m not getting too woo woo here. Then you start the process and get into the process of becoming the kind of person that accepts good behavior from others that doesn’t accept bad behavior from others that does not tolerate the intolerable does not tolerate bad behavior.
That’s process. That’s work. What’s working you’ve done and my main point with all this is not just about doing it. That’s there’s some truth to that for sure. It’s not just about doing it. Stand up for yourself. It’s about becoming the person working on yourself inside that becomes so self differentiated that in the moment it becomes like water off a duck’s back. This is just who I am now still provide some anxiety, but you become the kind of person that is able to manage that anxiety, manage your feelings, and become the person that you really are. Thank you.
