048 | Defusing Tense Conversations

Colt (00:00)
Okay, defusing tense conversations. My name is Colt Gordon and I’m a therapist, coach people all around the country and specialize in Bowen family systems theory, which is essentially helping people think in systems, think of themselves not just as an individual, but a part of a bigger system and not just in a cultural or societal necessarily, but more so in the system you come from, which…

goes back generations to generations, generational transmission. And the more you can think in systems, the more that you can self-differentiate, find freedom, be more effective, lower anxiety, be more calm. And in today’s conversation, diffusing these tense conversations, the real thing I’m pushing for is not necessarily to manipulate, not to get your way. Nonetheless, getting what you want is great. Really, it’s about being effective.

being the self, letting other people deal with you, being grounded. So no matter what people are doing, you’re the calm in the storm versus you’re constantly reacting. This is a process of learning to respond. So we’re going to dive into key skills for navigating relationships, how to diffuse these conversations. We’ll explore the power of I statements, how to reduce tension by not trying to change someone’s mind and why it’s okay to see things differently. Again, about

working better as a human being about being more effective and Being effective in relationships knowing where people end and you begin Effectiveness doesn’t mean get away from all dysfunctional people Effectiveness doesn’t mean everyone’s happy with you. It’s you living your life in a way that’s true to your guiding principles and allowing the people that are in your family of origin to be a part of that without

sacrificing self or even friends that echo family systems without becoming more of a self within those systems. So first point here for the content is understanding tense conversations. What happens in tense conversations? A lot of times when you’re in tense conversation, you see nothing but red. You’re a trauma response, fight, flight, freeze or fawn. Fight, flight, freeze or fawn. And it turns into, here’s the metaphor,

tug-of-war scenario, right? Who is ever pulling the rope with the most strength and the most speed, the most stamina, wins the tug-of-war. And so it turns into an instant battle of tug-of-war. And being aware of that tug-of-war when it’s starting to happen, everyone can kind of feel that tenseness, but when you can watch that tenseness versus just being in it, being in seeing nothing but red, can help you to start differentiate from it. Because you get these heightened emotions, reactive behaviors, anxiety.

And ultimately what’s happening is you’re reacting and you can learn to respond because when you’re reacting, it may feel good at the moment, but are you aligned with your values? Are you even aware of what the goal is? Or are you just operating from the emotions you’re feeling at the moment? Nothing wrong with emotions, but if you’re living from your emotions, if you’re operating from your emotions, it’s a hard place to be as far as being effective, right?

I don’t feel like going to the gym, but when I go to the gym, I feel great. Which emotion is real? Well, they’re both real. What are my values? Integrity, health, living as long as I possibly can, right? Being a family man. That’s why I go to the gym, not because how I feel. Okay, so really we’re getting into calmness, and you can work on that. Calmness is a skill that can be learned, especially when you start to see red. The problem is not red, but when you see red, how can I catch that like a baseball?

and redirect myself back into my guiding principles. So system thinking in this point of the content is recognizing your role in the interaction instead of focusing on others’ right? Recognize your role, the role that you actually want to lean into, for instance, the role of becoming a more self-differentiated, healthy, this is Colt now, this is just who I am, versus the role that you inherited, which may be a people-pleaser, right, a scapegoat.

the golden child, the hero child, recognizing what is expected. So you know that when you work outside of that role, there’s gonna be more tension. It may get worse before it gets better, but if you can be aware of that, watch that like a fly on the wall, you can that much better overcome it, that much better act out of it and not be surprised when you’re tested with change back pressure, with negativity or change back or else.

What’s wrong with you? You used to be, you’re different now, right? Being able to watch that and not be surprised by it. Like, oh yeah, of course, this system is just trying to maintain homeostasis. And here I am in the system and I can be who I’ve decided to be. I can be aligned with my values instead of being aligned with my anxiety and my reactivity. Okay, the next point, the power of I statements. I think we’ve all heard this by now. I mean, we’re kind of living in this pop psychology.

world where there’s a lot of trendy terms. But nonetheless, do you have mastery in it? I statements. Listen to the difference. You make me feel you are the reason I’m mad. You’re a selfish person.

versus I’m noticing some frustration right now. I’m noticing some anxiety right now because we’re going to be late. I’m noticing that I feel a bit tense and I would like us to negotiate something. You see how effective that could be? Because you’re taking responsibility for your position. You’re not making the other person wrong or you’re not calling them names. You’re not…

telling them that they’re responsible for how you feel. You’re maturely owning your feelings and what you’d like to prefer. I would like this. I would prefer this. I’m noticing that. I prefer this. Easier said than done. But if that’s not something that’s well practiced or something that’s not on the front of your mind, it’s something you’re rehearsing for or practicing, then you’re going to go right back to reacting. Okay? So the goal with these ice statements is essentially becoming a type of person where

all the reactivity that’s happening in the room and within yourself kind of becomes a water off a duck’s back. And that is something that you can learn and work on. Okay, instead of saying, you never listened to me, like I’ve said, here’s an example, I feel unheard when this happens. So practice exercise for listeners and invite yourself and other people that you’re engaging with to reframe a recent tense statement. But typically, unless the person has invited you to help and coach them through it, because we’re all trying to be better communicators,

That’s not always the case. Learn to use those I statements. And you can work on this, and this is not to manipulate. Something I want to get across, this is not to get your way. This is so that you can work better as a person in interactions. And I say that manipulation because a lot of times clients or people say, I’ve done the I statements and it’s not working. What’s not working? Well, they’re still doing, they’re still being who they are. Yeah.

The point of the I statements is not necessarily to change other people. It’s great when they can, but really the reason people might change is because you’re changing, because you’re calm. You’re not invested in them changing for you to be okay. The goal is to self-preserve. The goal is to self-preserve. The goal is to hold self. And when you can be effective, it gives everyone else an opportunity when you’re not defending, not fighting, there’s no reacting.

forever and else to look in the mirror. But when you’re defending yourself and you’re trying to manipulate, you’re trying to get an outcome versus just trying to focus on where your power is, no one’s looking at themselves in the mirror because you’re the buffer for everything to stay the same, the homeostasis. So that’s the real takeaway is the only person that needs a change is you, right? Again, easier said than done. But if you’re focused on other people’s trying to manipulate an outcome because I’m using Bowen Family’s systems theory and I…

have all these I statements so can get my way, you may be on the surface using those skills, but you’re still operating from reactivity. Okay? So even if you’re using I statements, are you operating for reactivity? Or are you using I statements from a place of, it’s okay. It’s okay. No matter what the result is, it’s okay because I’m practicing my guiding principles. I’m staying aligned with my values and they can freak out all they want.

Right? Not in a snarky way, but in a calm, relaxed way. And this takes practice. And this is not a new rule. From now on, I statements. Yeah, it’s a good practice. But really we’re talking about a change of the heart going within, right? Finding source so that you’re not operating from people placing the things are your source. Cause it’s a very disempowering place to be. So dropping the tension, third point. So,

The fatality of trying to change someone else’s mind to think like you. It’s such a trap, but it’s so prevalent, right? I need you to think like me to be okay. I’m a Democrat, you should be one too. I’m a libertarian, you should be one too. And until you are, I’m not gonna be okay. Until you’re a Republican like me, I’m not gonna be okay. Until you’re a Catholic like me or Baptist like me, I’m not okay. I need you to think and get on board with me and then I’m okay.

First of all, how immature is that? But how common is that? And I just had to use political and religious, right? Because they’re so common, but you can pick a myriad of things. It’s almost hilarious. I mean, just think about being back in high school. Maybe you are in high school, but, that is mainstream music. my favorite, this is my band, right?

It can be comical and fun having your bands and all that thing, but it’s so interesting how tribal we get and how important it is to find people that think just like us. Well, if that’s how you’re moving into the world as an adult, not okay unless people are thinking just like you. You’re gonna be very disappointed. Right? And by the way, I don’t even think the way I think. These are ideas. I don’t even think that, let me finish that sentence. I don’t even think the way I thought five years ago, 10 years ago.

And that’s the hope, right, that we’re all evolving and thinking about our thinking, right? It’s not a bad thing to just think the way your parents taught you necessarily, but a more mature approach is to actually think about the reason why you believe or think the way you think and to actually work on that, to become a more well-rounded self grounded and understanding why you think what you think instead of essentially echoing what you were taught or what you saw or reacting to what you saw and just being the total opposite, trying to get people on same page.

So something I learned from my coach, Jerry Wise, was this, that’s how you see it. And this is how I see it. okay, well, you like the Raiders. And I like the Seahawks. No, the Raiders suck and you, and let me tell you why the Seahawks are the best, right? The Dodgers are the best, I can’t believe it. You’re a Yankee, what is wrong with you? Right?

You believe in that policy? You should believe in what I think, because bullet point, bullet point, bullet point, bullet point, okay? Instead, okay, that’s how you see it. This is how I see it. And some people come at us, right? They come at us with, they’re looking for arguments, they’re looking to pick up that rope and start doing this tug of war. This is how you drop the rope. that’s where you stand.

not making them wrong for it, not trying to get them to see that they need to see the light like you, let them have their position, let them have their place. And this is a principle of inversion, right? And you having your place. And this is not some trick to eventually get them to your side because you’re being so clever. It’s again, to hold self and to be in a non-reactive place. Let people be on their journey.

Let people have their point of view and this is mine and standing on both feet with that point of view because by the way It might change but this is just where I stand now i’m still taking in data But this is where I stand right now and you’re allowed to think what you think and being able to drop that rope get out of the tug of war so To review that this is so important. It’s such simple but profound practice That’s just how I see it. I see it differently That’s how you say I see differently

Right? And maybe not even bring that up, letting people just have their opinion and, Colt, what do you think about that? Well, I’ll have to think about that. No, really, what do you, well, I’ll see it differently. Right? Just being able to have your opinion, but not needing to express it, not needing and compelled to and get other people on board and have your bullet points. Dropping the rope. Okay. When you can do that, it lowers anxiety and people really don’t know what to do with that. Right?

The first shall be last, the last shall be first. When you just kind of put yourself in the last position, not in an enabling and kind of doormatty way, but just kind of like, yeah, that’s kind of where I’m at. People can’t, there’s no hitting, there’s no wrestling. Okay, fourth point, staying grounded and self-differentiated. So there’s an importance of falling on your values and not being pulled into emotional reactivity. So I’m really big on your guiding principles, your values.

These can change, I suggest having your top three to six values for the season you’re in, the things that you’re working on, the goals you’re at, courage, integrity, competence, self-care, self-compassion, that’s mine. And being able to recognize what’s important for where you’re at and where you’re going. Otherwise, again, you’re just kind of going to be knee-jerking all around the place. So mindful breathing, of course, these are individualistic approaches that are super important, right?

They’re helpful. Remind yourself of the bigger picture and attaching from the need to control the outcome. Really helpful individualistic approach. But even more so, and this is what this podcast and this show is really about, is thinking in systems. Taking a systems approach, being sensitive to the system without caving to it. Knowing where you are and what your role was, being respectful of their roles, but without caving to it.

This is not some sort of rebellious, revolution approach. This is also not a, I’m just going to sell myself out so everyone’s okay approach. It’s not being nice, being nice, being kind. Yeah, that stuff’s great. But really what it’s about is being effective, knowing and thinking in systems while you’re applying those individualistic breathing techniques, Knowing your values, but really thinking about and seeing this all in a bird’s eye view. So key takeaways.

Use ice statements to express your feelings without blame. Release the need to convince others to see things your way. Stay grounded in your values and let differences exit without escalating tension. And that’s something you can learn like an exercise at the gym, practicing calmness. Calmness is everything. Thanks for listening. If you have any questions, please send them my way. If you found today’s episode helpful, share it with someone that might benefit. And if you’re ready, take the next steps.

If you need a coach, if you need therapy, please reach out to me and my website and talk to you later.