049 | Recognizing and Addressing Verbal Abuse

Colt (00:00)
Hello, my name is Colt Gordon. I’m a family systems coach, therapist in Wyoming and California. And today talking about recognizing and addressing emotional and verbal abuse through Bowen theory, through family systems lens, through thinking in systems and why that might be important and what to do about it. And some of the answers through family systems theory may seem

a bit paradoxical or not what you might assume first blush. And so we’re going to break that down. I’m going to talk about understanding emotional and verbal abuse and systems, staying in the dance to set boundaries, staying in the dance and setting boundaries. Three, the link between boundaries and self-worth. Four, consequences when you make boundaries to make those boundaries real. And five, staying grounded in systems thinking. I’m really…

Excited about systems family systems particularly the bone family since it’s lens because it doesn’t just look at the individual as an individual It’s important to take yourself as an individual and not just kind of melt yourself into systems At the same time when you can look at yourself as an individual within a system right when you pull on an art model and You pull on one part and it moves all the other parts to think about yourself within a web of not only your current relationships, but the relationships that came from

can help you that much more with change and being as healthy as possible. Why? Because when you self differentiate and you think about yourself within a system, you can start looking at yourself from the bird’s eye view and recognizing the system’s gonna do what the system does. And I can work on changing me in order for a transformation to happen. And also that gives other people room to change too, but you don’t need to change them for you to change. Okay, so.

Let’s get on to the first point, understand emotional and verbal abuse and systems. I’m really big on defining our terms because frankly, in this pop psychology kind of world we live in, it’s kind of hard to pin down what words even mean sometimes, right? We throw around narcissistic abuse and throwing around trauma and, you know, at this point, everyone has trauma, it feels like, and whether that’s true or not, it’s a lot of words are thrown around. And so the way I

define abuse in general, just abuse, is the act of improper usage or treatment of a person or thing often to unfairly gain benefit. An act of improper usage or treatment of a person or thing often to unfairly gain benefit. Okay? And since we’re talking about relationships, let’s talk about that big L word, love. I really enjoy and I think it’s useful to have this definition of love.

when you’re looking at practically changing your life. The will to good. The will to secure and promote what is generally good for another person, which includes you as another person. Defining verbal and emotional abuse. I got this from WebMD. I thought it was a very helpful definition on WebMD. It’s a range of words or behaviors used to manipulate, intimidate, and make…

and maintain power and control over someone. Let me say that again. It’s a range of words or behaviors used to manipulate, intimidate, and maintain power and control over someone. Think about that for a second. Sit with that. Someone might come to mind, maybe you’re guilty of doing that. So this is not to be confused with having needs, wants, and boundaries. Right? That’s the dance of intimacy. That’s that

willingness to be vulnerable to ask for what you need and want and to be assertive, assertive in this training. That’s not the same thing. Giving what you want or trying to give what you want is being in relationship, having needs, right? And thinking again of that definition of love, the will to good. I’m asking, is this good for me? And I’m hoping good for you as well. But different than trying to do something through words or emotions to maintain power or control.

Another way of putting that is playing God, trying to be the director of someone else’s life or a group of people. If you are a director, that’s a different story and there’s certainly, I don’t want to get too far into that realm, but there’s ways to do that in a healthy way, of course, but that’s not what we’re talking about here. So let’s talk about how this fits into family relationships, relationship systems. Abuse can be perpetuated by systemic dynamics such as high anxiety,

Blurred boundaries and cycles of enmeshment. So depending on the kind of family system you come from, it could very well normalize that kind of abuse, right? Maybe a very controlling father or mother is because I know what’s best for you and I want what’s best for you versus treating a child like a little person, a little individual, a human. That doesn’t mean they run amok. No, parents do need to be parents. But just understanding that a certain system dynamic

might actually normalize that verbal or emotional abuse. And some of those patterns are when you’ll never set a boundary before, because it might feel impossible, because deep down you may not believe you’re worthy of having one. This belief is often shaped by your family system. So in ACA work, Adult Children of Alcoholics, they have a concept called don’t talk, don’t trust, don’t feel. When you grow up in a dysfunctional or alcoholic background,

you might subconsciously or quite consciously pick up this concept of don’t talk, don’t trust, and don’t feel. I’m not allowed to have a voice in this environment or it wouldn’t behoove the family system. It doesn’t have to be egregious, right? It might be a huge family for me to step out and be assertive. So I’m just going to be quiet and not rock the boat. That might be something to be aware of, especially if you’re learning how to change that you come from a background like that where you were highly enmeshed.

highly over function just to keep the system going. But it blurred who the individuals are, where you end and I begin. Okay, so the second big point is staying in the dance to set boundaries. The dance of relationships. Every interaction is part of a dance. Every interaction is part of a dance, even when abuse is present. Stepping out of the dance completely like cutting off the relationship might not always be the first best step. Okay.

caveat Don’t promote allowing abuse but I would recommend that when you start to Understand these terms and understand that you might have a high tolerance for abuse That instead of just cutting that person out of your life It might be helpful that you actually learn how to set boundaries in the context of that verbal or emotional abuse Whether you’re the one doing it or someone else is doing to you

because if you just cut someone off, what happens is you can go and find another relationship that is exactly the same. You haven’t learned much. You still have a high tolerance for abuse, and so you can’t identify it because you never practice identifying it. And even if you did identify it, you didn’t practice those boundaries that are necessary for change and for transformation. I hope that makes sense. So think about…

If I’m going to change, I need to work with what I’m in in order to change myself. And if it’s still not changing, you can talk about no contact and moving forward there. But if you haven’t at least even done boundaries, it’s important to do that. So staying in the dance allows you to experiment with boundaries and slowly change the pattern. And really what you’re changing again is you.

So recognizing your role. And Bowen Family Systems Theory emphasizes the importance of seeing how you’re a participant in the system without blaming yourself. If you tolerate abuse, it’s often because the system taught you that that was your role. You’re the oldest or you’re the one we’re counting on. You’re the more or less the butler, right? You’re the caretaker here. We need you. So recognizing that you may have that kind of hero role put on you.

in order for you to start practicing in real time now so that you’re not continuing that role. If that role is working for you, great, keep doing it. But if your life’s not fulfilling, then you might want to go towards that. So practice staying engaged while shifting dynamics. It’s important to use I statements in clear and calm communication. Calmness is everything. I’m noticing that it’s getting tense in here. I would appreciate if we keep the tenseness down so we can get to where we want to go. Easier said than done. I won’t tolerate being called names.

It happens again, I will remove myself from the situation. So the link between boundaries and self-worth, my third point, why boundaries are so hard to set? If you’ve never set a boundary before, it’s likely tied to a core belief about your worth. You might think, who am I asked to ask for better treatment? Truth is, setting boundaries isn’t about how others see you, it’s about how you see yourself. Boundaries are an act of self-differentiation. Again, that’s that process of becoming more of well-defined self.

becoming more of who you are in the context of the role that you grew up in. And Bowling Theory teaches that self-differentiation is about being able to define yourself while staying connected to others. Setting the boundaries is one way of saying, this is who I am and this is what I will or will not accept.

And typically most people will adjust. well, that’s Colt now. That’s just who he is. And it might help if that means you’re the bad son now or the bad daughter. Okay, I’m the bad son, but this is who I am, right? Not needing to defend and be right in that regard. Okay, this is such an important point for consequences make boundaries real. A boundary without a consequence is just a suggestion. So if…

you continue to speak to me in this way, I’ll leave the room. If this behavior doesn’t stop, I may need to take a step back from this relationship.

And the ultimate consequence is leaving, right? Again, I don’t recommend that being the first choice. But if you’re in an alcoholic-abusive relationship, verbally, emotionally, physically, or otherwise, the last thing a codependent does with an alcoholic typically is leave. So why should the alcoholic stop drinking? But if that’s not a real consequence, you can’t move forward. Yeah, but then the money, then this, right. But if there’s no real consequence,

There are consequences for leaving, of course, then nothing’s going to change. Okay, so fifth step, staying grounded in systems thinking. So having clarity, being able to see yourself as not just an individual stovepipe, but part of the spider web, of the family system you come from in your current relationships. When you understand your role in the system, I’m an over-functioner, I’m an under-functioner, for instance, you can make intentional choices rather than reactive ones. You can learn to respond.

to that system’s pinging in order for you to become more mature and to become more healthy as a result. It’s not about blaming yourself. I can’t believe I’m so enmeshed. It’s about finding that role that you play, being real clear on what your proclivities, what your tendencies are so that you can outgrow them, so you can differentiate from them. And that’s an ongoing process. You don’t just arrive there one day like, I’m differentiated. This is ongoing. I’m still doing this work. My mentor, Jerry Wise, is still doing this work.

When you find your power to create change, it can change everything because no one else has to change. The system doesn’t have to change. You change in the context of the system. If you become a mesh and people please, you’re not changing, right? You’re glomming onto this system so that your anxiety lowers and the system’s anxiety lowers, but guess who’s still stuck? You. Cutting off is not real change because no matter where you go, there you are.

and you repeat those patterns. But when you can change within the system, right? When you can work with the system you were given, doesn’t mean tolerate abuse, work with it, understand, okay, this is not healthy, this is abusive, I need to learn to say no. When you change, everything can change. And the system, whether it changes or not, is the system and you can be free within it. But when you change, it also gives everyone else room to look at themselves in the mirror and change as well.

But if you’re constantly knee-jerking around everywhere, no one has room to change because you’re constantly the buffer to keep it all the same. You’re defending, you’re arguing, you can work on that. So, key takeaways. Abuse thrives in systems that lack clear boundaries, but you can change the dynamic by staying in the dance and defining yourself. You can change that dynamic from you. Setting boundaries, even if you’ve never done it before, to step towards remaining your self-worth and reducing anxiety in your relationships.

Remember, boundaries are not about controlling others. They’re about protecting yourself. And a boundary without a consequence is not a boundary. It’s a suggestion. All right, please reach out if you have any questions. If you want to work with me, you can go to my website and set up a free 15-minute consult-tation. All right, take care. Bye.