050 | Vampire Relationships

Colt (00:00)
Hello, my name is Colt Gordon and today I’m talking about vampire relationships. I don’t know if I coined that term or what, but I’ve been using it for a while and it essentially means being in relationship which drains you. Being in relationship that drains you. And just right up front, the goal is not to run away from those relationships. The goal is to learn boundaries in the context of relationships that drain you. Because if you just run away, you didn’t learn anything. You’re just going to find the next relationship, get back in that.

and find a way to run away from that too because you never learn boundaries. So at some point, you learn to say, no, you can’t drain me or no, I’m not gonna do anything and everything so that you’re okay. And that’s essential to what vampire relationship is. And we’re gonna look into it in the sense of systems thinking, thinking of yourself as, oh, this is who I am in the context of the system I came from. And the more I can be aware of that and think in systems, I can see that role. can see how that…

fuels that behavior to over function or to under function to Be in those relationships that are draining that aren’t giving there. They’re not a dance, right? There’s not a lot of boundaries It’s just stepping on each other’s toes Constantly walk on eggshells right you’re in charge of my feelings You have to be in charge of how I feel that is so disempowering But it’s common to be in these vampire relationships that you’re in charge of my feelings and you make me feel okay

So that’s how we’ll jump into it. I’m going to go over what a vampire relationship is, why our functioning happens.

the consequences of over-functioning, shifting perspectives why you are more than what you do for others, and building a bottom to your own bucket. So let’s jump right into it. I’ve already mentioned what a vampire relationship is. Let’s go little more in depth. So really, I’m to look at this from the perspective of the over-functioner. You’re in a draining relationship as an over-functioner. When you’re jumping and running, constantly going to the person in need that under-functions so that you feel okay. In fact, you think you’re a good

person if you’re constantly rescuing, fixing, whatever it may be. Okay? So feeling responsible for that person’s well-being and constantly stepping into fix, manage, and rescue. Being responsible for how they feel, which right off the back, let’s just make that a general rule. If you think you’re responsible for how other people feel, that’s unhealthy. That’s not a functional. And when I say functional, I a relationship that works.

Because if the other adult in the relationship with you is not taking full responsibility for their emotions, hey, I noticed that I feel uncomfortable with this. I’d prefer that you didn’t do that, for instance. No, you make me feel this way, then you’re in a very disempowering relationship, a draining relationship. It doesn’t work. Okay. In a mesh roles, when you have an overfunction and underfunction, again, I’m going to continue to focus on the overfunction perspective, but still bring in the underfunctioner concept. The overfunctioner gives too much.

which drains them emotionally. And then the function relies on them, creating a dependent and unbalanced dynamic. And it just becomes a cycle, especially if you’re believing that your worth comes from jumping and running. I’m only as worthy as people need me. And you can work on that. If it’s working for you then, forget about it, then keep doing what you’re doing. Okay, so why does over-functioning happen? And again, I want people that are listening to this podcast, this…

YouTube episodes to think in systems. So I grew up in an alcoholic environment and I grew up in a situation where I had to make sure dad was not upset and too drunk and mom was not too emotional and getting drained from the alcoholism in the family. And so being the eldest child I recognized my role is to be a fixer, to be someone that’s trying to rescue, trying to be in charge of everyone else’s emotions.

taking the temperature of the room to make sure everyone else is okay. So thinking in systems, the first kind of clue that would be helpful, instead of thinking of yourself as just an individual stovepipe, think of yourself as part of a bigger system and that you are that system and that you can become more healthy in the context of that system, the more aware of it you are. Instead of let’s just burn it all down. So one of the big reasons we over function, that someone might over function is because the system and the role the system gave you,

that you grew up in. And then when we feel anxiety that the system is bringing to us, hey, I need you to fix me right now. I need you to help to reduce that anxiety. We run in and help because we’re still operating like we’re 10 years old in the alcoholic environment. So that’s one of the huge reasons is the system you come from and understanding that role.

and then the belief that you’re carrying with you. So.

I’m not worthy. I’m not lovable. I’m not enough. I think it’s very important to get really clear on those relationships, those core beliefs, excuse me, that you have, those top three, that main core belief, mine typically is I’m not enough. When I can be aware of that, I can recognize I’m operating from an insecure place. I’m not whole within. Or at least I’m not believing I’m whole within, right?

And when I can catch that, can work on that and really see that intrinsic value and find rest in that. But if I’m not aware of it, if I’m not looking for those triggers, if I’m not looking for that behavior that’s stemming from I’m unworthy, for instance, then I’m going to jump around. I’m going to over function to find that worth in the short term. works. my gosh, I’m needed. And all of I feel good and anxiety lowers or someone’s freaking out around me. OK, rescue fix. I feel better. Anxiety goes. But what if I could work on that anxiety?

and not need to jump in and wonder why I’m drained all the time because I’m always jumping in. So beliefs, thinking in systems, understanding your role, beliefs, and then the anxiety, right? And being able to be aware that that anxiety and those feelings you’re being run by. Your feelings don’t need to be in the driver’s seat of your life. Feelings are important. Feelings are things that are intrinsic to life. People don’t come up and go, how are you thinking today? They say, how are you feeling? Feeling makes you human. Feelings are important, but…

They’re not good decision makers. They are wonderful servants but terrible masters. And being able put them in their right place, working with your feelings versus being worked by them. Which may sound like addiction if you caught on to that. other quick things I want to talk about. I mentioned insecurity. And a lot of times when we’re coming from an insecure, non-whole place, we go toward rescuing.

As an active playing guy, it’s actually a really selfish move to move to feel whole versus coming from a place of wholeness and then giving. Another big barrier with people that are function is having a high tolerance for dysfunction and confusing that high tolerance with good. Thinking because it can handle and because other people have done so much for me, then I should do it too. Don’t confuse high tolerance

with a good thing, a good behavior, with a good practice. Just because you can doesn’t mean it’s healthy. Okay, the belief that I have to, I have to do this. Why? Why do you have to? Right? That sounds like a reaction. So the reactivity, that knee-jerk response, that knee-jerk kind of tendency to go jump and run to rescue, to be drained, again, the vampire relationship.

believing that boundaries mean I don’t love you. And you can work on that, because do boundaries mean I don’t love you? Do they?

Boundaries are boundaries. Especially if we’re using a helpful definition of love. Love for the benefit, for the will of good, to protect and secure what’s good for the other person. Is it good to rescue people? If it’s perpetuating their lack of ability to emotionally regulate, no. And if it ultimately drains you, it’s not love, it’s not good. So boundaries do not mean I don’t love you, but if you believe that having boundaries means

I don’t love you, you’ll jump and run, you’ll over function. Okay, let’s go to the fourth point here, the consequences of over functioning. Exhaustion. I feel like I’m always on call, right? When you don’t have boundaries and you’re finding your worth through rescuing and regulating other people, so much to a degree that if we’re using that vampire relationship kind of metaphor, not only are you going to other people,

to feel worthy, to feel okay. You’re bringing the syringe, you’re filling a cup up with your own blood. Here, drink, have some. You’re making things so easy for people to use you because again, you’re using them too. You’re trying to feel okay and worthy and using them. exhaustion, resentment, why do I have to do everything while they do nothing? It’s a huge consequence. Resentment is the number one offender to addiction. A lot of us know that, right?

loss of self, I don’t know what I need anymore because I’ve defined self, I’ve defined who I am as a measurement, as being a doormat and pleasing others as a sense of worth. So the under function does not grow and the over function feels trapped in the cycle, right? Drain each other and you just coming over to take a bite out of my neck, man.

Alright, so shifting perspectives. You are more than what you do for others. I’ve already gotten into this little bit, but let me say a little bit more. Let’s encourage self-awareness for yourself, alright? That re-parenting, bringing awareness. Reflect on the belief, the worst that are tied to over-functioning. Ask yourself, what would it mean if I didn’t fix this? Am I gonna melt? Am I gonna die? What would happen? What would that mean about me? Well, I’m a bad person. Is that true? Are you 100 % sure that’s true?

How would you live your life differently if you weren’t believing that? Your worth is inherent. That’s something I really like to drive home. I don’t want to get religious or too spiritual, but look, the way I look at it is I’m a child of God. And when I’m working from that space and I’m working for this place, I have a loving creator, then I can, you don’t have to use that language, then I can come from a place of wholeness and security.

That’s why meditation, prayer, memorization of good quotes, songs can be so powerful to perspective or the principle of indirection, fill in your mind with that intrinsic value. Otherwise that lack of worth, lack of insecurity will run you. So instead of thinking, well, is it really true if God exists or if he’s love? What if you try it? Does it work? That’s probably a more important question. that religious language doesn’t work for you.

How can you find that intrinsic worth? So practical steps to begin shifting. Pause before jumping in to help and ask, am I doing this because I want to or because I feel like I have to? All right, start small. Let someone else take responsibility for something they can handle.

Emphasize self-differentiation with yourself. Learning to sit with your own discomfort and regulate your own emotions without running to rescue. Okay, so the next point, building a bottom to your bucket. I think this is so vital. So they can too. So think of a bucket as kind of a metaphor for self, for your emotions. And the person you’re consistently running to may not have a bottom to their bucket. So no matter how much you pour in,

They don’t know how to regulate their own motions. You’re not really giving. It’s going in and going right back out.

And then you therefore create this dynamic where you’re in charge of someone else’s feelings. You’re in charge of their bucket because they have no bottom to it. And every time you jump and run, right, they have no incentive to work on patching up the bottom of that bucket, to build one, to go to therapy because you’re gonna be their therapist. You’re gonna be the one that rescues them. So becoming emotionally grounded enough and regulating your own anxiety that you’re not a bad person if you don’t over function.

keeps you from jumping and running to the person that has no bottom to their bucket and wondering why you’re so drained because you’re sucking the life out of each other. So steps to protect your energy. Duh, right? Set boundaries. Easier said than done. But let me make it real basic. No is a complete sentence. Can you charm it up a little bit? Yes. But there’s no points for style. It’s better to do this in a messy way than no way at all.

And no is a complete sentence. Okay, it’s better to feel guilty than to feel resentful. Guilt is not emergency. More steps to protect your energy, focus on self care, prioritize what fills your bucket, rest, hobbies, connections that energize you. That’s why I love playing the guitar. Not so much because I’m gonna make an album or something, maybe I will, but because it rejuvenates me, it helps me to focus on me, it gives me something to…

lean on and build mastery. Work on emotional independence. Practice sitting with discomfort without acting on it immediately. This too shall pass. Urge surfing. When you stop over function, you give others a chance to grow and step up. When you stop over functioning, you are no longer the buffer to other people’s dysfunction and immaturity. Now they can work on themselves or just go find someone else to rescue them and that’s not on you.

We’re dealing with adults here. And this is kind of a hard pill to swallow, but a big step in the right direction is purposely under-function. Purposely lack some empathy. What? That means I’m a bad person, does it? Because if we’re defining love as security, protecting, and promoting what’s good for another, even yourself as another, is that love? Is that good?

enabling immature behavior. Okay, so let’s just summarize it all. Overfunctioning often stems from a belief that your worth is tied to what you do for others. Vampire relationships drain you because they are built on unhealthy dynamics. If you’re feeling drained and not rejuvenated for life, it’s not easier because of relationships. Yes, relationships take work. But if your life is actually hard and you feel drained, you might be in a vampire relationship. You can break free by challenging your beliefs

building a bottom to your bucket so other people can build a bottom to theirs and learn to regulate your own emotions. Where are you over function in your life and what would it feel like to step back? I’m a bad person, I challenge that. Okay, please reach out if you wanna work with me. Got a 15 minute free consultation. If not, please send me some questions so I can prompt me for some more episodes here. All right, take care.