051 | Maturing Is Hard Because It Upsets Others

Colt (00:01)
Hello, my name is Colt and today I’m going to talk about self-differentiation and the three predictable steps that you can count on when you start to change within a system, a family system, work system, whatever it may be. And you probably are familiar with this because sometimes we accidentally change. We do something that’s different than what the system is used to and there’s a negativity that happens, right? The idea is not only being a

of these predictable three steps that happen, the system reacting to you when you change, but when you purposely are changing, that you stick to the plan, you stick to your guiding principles as the reaction happens. In fact, this is why it’s so hard to change, is because the negative reactions from others when you do change. But if you can be aware of those, if you can be aware of those three predictable steps that happen, those three predictable steps that happen,

when you start to change, then you can pass those tests and stay on the path to change. the fourth thing that typically happens, and I’ll explain all of this, is that most people adjust to the new you. But typically we fold before that can happen. So let’s jump right into it. So again, what is self-differentiation? Self-differentiation is this process of knowing where you begin and others end, or knowing where others end and you begin.

Right? It’s staying in the dance of relationships. Obviously, if someone’s doing something egregious, someone’s being abusive, and you’ve set boundaries and nothing’s changing, yes, we need to get some space from those relationships. We need to have some time off. need to go away. Right? That’s important. But if boundaries are never established, if you haven’t practiced using your voice, then self-differentiation is this process of

practicing self, practicing using a voice, making people deal with you, giving people opportunity to reject you before you reject yourself first, or just cut off, and or people please, in a mesh in order not to deal with the emotional anxiety within you. So it’s this process of reducing anxiety, becoming calm, practicing calmness, practicing principles of indirection, whether that’s mantras, meditation, prayer.

and this process of knowing your values, sticking to your values instead of letting your feelings be in the driver’s seat. All that and more, the deep, deep well, self-diagnostication work, and then allowing people to have their journey while you have your journey. So we’re balancing togetherness and separateness. We’re not pushing people away, and we’re not totally just melting into people. So one of the really big points of overcoming resistance is recognizing

It’s normal that people will resist change. In fact, if people don’t resist change, that could be called abnormal. having a realistic expectation that people want to maintain homeostasis, they want to maintain the equilibrium, the balance that they’re used to. And that doesn’t make them bad people. That doesn’t necessarily make them narcissistic or selfish. Most of the people are asleep to this.

and they just want to maintain what they know, right? And even if it’s unhealthy on paper, they want to maintain what they know. All right. And so if you don’t get that, it’s going to be hard to move forward here because the goal is not to change anyone and get anyone to see the light. The goal is, wait a second, this is what I need to be healthy to move forward. And this is just what needs to happen. And

That’s the only person needs to change is me and take responsibility for my own change and my own boundaries if people don’t adjust and change That’s another story we can talk about that later But if you’re not changing nothing changes and when you change you give everyone else an opportunity to change as well But if you’re for other people to change until you change you’ll be waiting a long time okay, so

Let’s go straight into the three predictable steps of resistance. Okay, so let’s use a husband and wife example. And let’s say the wife is maturing and becoming more boundaried. She’s not putting up with the alcoholism, right? She’s recognizing enmeshment within herself and she’s gonna start saying, I need to take full responsibility for my partner’s relationship.

practice saying no, have boundaries. Immediately, the first step that’s gonna happen, again, I’m talking in a general way, there’s a lot of nuance here, but generally, these three steps, the first step that you ought to expect is negativity. Duh, right? Negativity. I’m practicing boundaries, I’m saying, you’ve had enough alcohol, or I’m not even allowing alcohol, let’s just go with that, I’m not even allowing alcohol in the house anymore.

We’re done, I’m done dealing with this. No more alcohol in the house, right? Negativity is the reaction. Even if on paper we both agree that you need to work, the husband needs to work on alcoholism, there’s going to be an emotional reactivity, negativity. You have changed, you’re different now.

Right, and this comes from that discomfort of emotional support is going to be taken away from me. Or just the idea that boundaries mean you don’t love me, which isn’t true. A boundary is just a boundary. Right, so that’s that first step to be aware of. And if you can pass this test, which most people don’t because they’re not aware of these, then there’s gonna be the next step to resistance to the wife changing, to an individual changing. But you gotta pass that step.

Okay, I understand you’re upset. I’m not staying calm, not reacting to the reactivity. When you can act calmer, we can continue this conversation. When you stick to your guns, if you will, then we can move on to the next step. But if you don’t, and you kind of cave, then the emotional equilibrium, the balance is maintaining. Even though it’s unhealthy, that’s what the person is seeking. It’s seeking that familiarity. Familiar hells are preferable to strange heavens.

So the next step, assuming you passed that test and have stood your ground, standing on your own two feet, is change back. Pressure to change back. Pressure to change back. And if you can stay again in this concept and recognize, wait, this is part of the process. I’m changing, the expectation is I’m gonna get pressure to change back. This is the demand from the husband, again, in this example.

to try to revert back to old patterns or behavior. And some emotional strategies that you may recognize is sometime when there’s pressure change back, there’s silent treatment, there’s withdrawing, there’s pleading, right? In your job, in this example, the wife’s job is to stand her ground. No, we’re not doing that anymore. No more alcohol in the house. This is a pivotal, they’re all pivotal moments.

But this is the next pivotal moment. If you can pass this test, which is one of harder ones because you change and I need you to change back, right? It’s not done yet. You got one more test, one more test. And by the way, the person might jump in between one, two, three, but just recognizing these are three predictable steps that you need to be aware of and the opportunity is to grow and to practice your skills here. So the third step, change back or else. If you don’t become the old self,

And some of this stuff may not be directly said in English, but may be implied. But sometimes it’s directly said. Just be aware of the emotional injury. If you don’t change back, if you don’t change back, I’m going to leave you. There’s going to be ultimatum said, right? This is takes a huge emotional toll because this is where the road meets the road. You’ve passed the first two tests. The third one is

change back or else now this is going to happen, whether it’s explicitly said or implicitly said, it’s important again, stand your ground. You’re kinda calling the bluff here in poker, right? And they may very well leave, but you’re leaving yourself nonetheless if you don’t pass this test. So do you wanna become a shell of yourself or do you wanna become more of yourself, right? You are trying to stay connected here. You’re not making them a demon.

for this resistance, you’re just saying no. And when you pass this, recognize again, the testing may be retest. You gotta keep passing these tests. It’s not some magical thing. stand your ground, you gotta remind yourself of the vision of what you’re trying to accomplish here. Your guiding principles. Most people will adjust to the new you. Most people will adjust to the new you.

As you go out this process, recognize the guilt’s gonna come up. Recognize you’re not doing anything wrong. Guilt is not an emergency. It’s better to feel guilty than resentful. And this is when it’s appropriate. A lot of times you hear in therapy and coaching, gotta heal it, you gotta feel it to heal it, excuse me. You gotta heal it to feel it. I say it again wrong. You gotta feel it to heal it. I get what they’re trying to say. But what if the feeling is coming from the systems, from the system anxiety to you changing?

then it’s appropriate to block your feelings. It’s appropriate to say, thank you, guilt, for sharing. I’m in the driver’s seat, we’re trying something else. And hold. Hold, like in Braveheart.

This escalating resistance is difficult, but it’s not impossible. And having a plan, working with a coach, working with a therapist, recognizing these three steps and that you can pass the test is vital. If you’re just flying by the city of your pants, then guess who’s in the driver’s seat? Not you, your feelings. Okay, and recognizing why it’s easier to give in despite the long-term cost. It’s easier to give in because immediately if you give in, you lower anxiety. But what if you can lower anxiety without giving in?

That would be the training. And you can learn that. And that’s for you to learn. That’s in your responsibility to learn. So here’s some more practical strategies for navigating the resistance, staying grounded, emotion regulated. Yeah, of course. What does that look like? It could be breathing techniques. is where that individualistic approach comes in, right? Your thinking systems, but you’re still practicing individual strategies. Building support system, whether it’s adult children of alcoholics, whether it’s a therapy group.

coaching group, being able to have people on call, a sponsor and a 12 step program, pastors, churches, whatever it may be, and practicing self compassion. And notice I say self compassion and not self esteem. I’m not big on the self esteem movement, I’m more on the self compassion because self compassion is a practice that you can immediately do or not do. Okay, I’m on a journey. It’s okay, you’re not gonna be perfect. You’re doing it.

Right? Okay, and then emphasize the benefits to yourself of self-differentiation, greater emotional independence, being able to follow through. This too shall pass. Right? Healthier, more authentic relationships versus relationships that are based on you jumping and running to them and rescuing, right? Or relationships that are constantly pushed away because you don’t know how to handle the reactivity. Right? So,

Again, let’s summarize and end this episode here, the three predictable steps. One, negativity. Two, change back. Three, change back or else. The goal is to get through that, stick with it, and most people will change. Okay.

Please write questions. I’m making three episodes a week and I look forward to hearing more from you. Self-differentiation is a journey. Let people have their journey. Focus on you. Focus on you, focus on you. It’s not about you. All this for negativity. Focus on you. Take care.