052 | Taking the Temperature of the Room To See How You Feel

Colt (00:01)
Hello, have you ever taken the temperature of the room to figure out how you need to feel? If so, you’re probably dealing with enmeshment and that’s something you can work on. And so today I’m gonna talk about that enmeshment. I’m gonna talk about the importance of being able to work on self in the context of that anxiety of you need to take on other people’s emotions. That’s something you can work on. If you can do it,

Excuse me, if I can do it, you can do it. I’m someone that has tended to run to people pleasing or run to cut off. And neither one of those works. They’re both a measurement at the end of the day. They’re both a lack of self differentiation, a lack of self, a lack of being able to know who you are in any context and not letting those different contexts shape you. But you’re shaped by your guiding principles, your values, not your feelings being the driver’s seat. You are the driver’s seat.

or not other people’s feelings in this instance. So, an measurement happens when the boundaries between you and another or a group person blurs the point where you’re taking responsibility for their emotions or using their reactions to define who you are. Right? So if someone feels anxious, I feel anxious because my worth is fixing that or just I’m used to the role I grew up in thinking in systems, right?

The role I grew up in in an alcoholic home is one in which I’m making sure that I’m caretaking everyone around me, which helps me feel worthy and safe and lowers anxiety. And plus they don’t get upset because I’m taking care of them. Right? I don’t need to do that anymore. But understanding that system helps me recognize that that will be my proclivity, my tendency, my go-to, my automatic pilot. The more I’m aware of that, the more I can work to continue to differentiate outside of that.

and recognizing that all relationships are an opportunity to continue with that growth. Or all relationships are an opportunity, all people are an opportunity to reinforce that original role that I don’t have to take on anymore. If you’ve ever walked into a room and immediately taken the temperature of the room and everyone there to decide how you should feel or act, you might be experiencing enmeshment. I want to reiterate that. Your feelings become intertwined with theirs.

your feelings become intertwined, like a braid, right? To the point that it’s hard to tell where you end and they begin, or they end and you begin. And when you experience that, right, it’s kind of this glomming onto, it’s kind of stuck. It’s hard for you just to be self and to just dance with what’s happening. It’s, what do I need to do to be okay now?

What can I do to make sure everyone else is okay? And then you’re wondering why you’re burning out all the time in social situations So there’s a huge emotional toll with us obviously carrying the weight of someone else’s feelings leads to more anxiety resentment and even burnout and a really cool way to Define resentment that I found very helpful you hear the centaur in there that that root of feel to refuel to re-experience So you might be having these arguments and showers or arguing with the wind

People are not even near you, but you continue to re-feel and re-experience that. That tends to show that you’re enmeshed emotionally when you continue to fight people that aren’t in the same room with you. And that’s a huge emotional toll. There’s a saying out there, resentment’s number one offender. I think I agree with that. And number one offender to what? To an unworkable life. Lack of self-differentiation. When you’re enmeshed, your sense of self becomes tied to another person’s mood.

approval, your sense of self, what they think of me, how the if they approve of me becomes my okayness, my justification, the kaiosume, the Greek, of justified. I’m only justified to the extent that people approve of me. What a disempowering place. Unless everyone approves of you, let me know how that works and how you do that. I want to take notes on you but…

It’s not possible, right? Plus you never meet everybody and it’s just a place where you’re constantly Checking and measuring to figure out if you’re okay. Are my biceps bigger than him? If it is I’m okay if all sudden his biceps rigther than mine, who am I? Okay, I want to talk about this being caretaking versus caring right or doing something because you generally want to give

First given from a place of I’m trying to find my justification, my okayness, to kai asume by doing so. caring is a healthy, empathetic and support while maintaining your boundaries. You gotta be careful with that empathy. Too much empathy, like, I just care, want it, all right. But you gotta measure it against maintaining your boundaries. If you’re being true to you and you’re guiding principles, your values, you’re not selling out, if you will, then you’re on the right track of that’s more of a caring energy.

care. Taking on their hand or other hand is that over functioning for someone, solving their problems, managing relationships, being in that middle place with a triangle, trying to get mom and dad to get along with sister or whatever it may be, and owning their emotions if they’re your own. Right and constantly coaching other people, being the therapist for other people. You better believe when I’m off the clock, I am not there positing anybody. I’m not telling the grocery store clerk how to mend things up with her husband. I’m off the clock.

Okay, so if someone is upset and you feel an uncontrollable urge to fix it, you’re likely caretaking. It’s easier said than done, but these are times when you need to sit on your hands, right? I need to practice sitting on my hands and recognizing, I’m letting this situation make me feel something. That’s a very disempowering, emotionally mature place. And it looks wonderful on paper because I’m helping. You’re not. And you can work on that.

Are you helping is it good to jump in and rescue and take on other people’s emotions? Think about that. Is that good in a short term? It feels good because your anxiety lowers But really if you think about you really making about you because you don’t want to feel anxiety You want to feel good about yourself and then they get to feel good immediately because you rescue them But did anyone learn anything?

Caring would be listening, empathizing, and supporting without taking on responsibility to make it better. And when you’re done, you’re done. This is all I have the capacity for, listen, to take, to be caring here, right? And maybe you don’t even have time at all for it. That would be caring too. It’s loving to be honest. I don’t have the capacity to listen at all. You might have to talk to someone else. I’m off the clock, right? I’m not everyone’s counselor after I’m off the clock. Okay, so let’s talk about some steps to work on a measurement, to work on this.

taking the temperature of the room to figure out who you need to be. Number one is awareness. Start noticing when you’re taking responsibility for someone else’s feelings. Ask yourself, am I reacting to their mood as if it’s mine? Right, so just that awareness. What are you noticing? Thoughts, feelings, And are you in the driver’s seat or are your thoughts, feelings, and sensations in the driver’s seat? Is your familiar system in the driver’s seat or are you in the driver’s seat? Just bring an awareness to that, right? And the next one is

is to validate it. If you try to police yourself like, there I go. And meshing with people, I gotta stop. Slapping your wrist, right? That doesn’t work long term. Sometimes there needs to be kind of a maybe a harsh kind of knock it off. Let’s go. That can be helpful at times, there’s a time and place for that. But really, is this time to bring some self compassion, some validation like, hey, Cole, does it make sense that

That’s the second step, right? Does it make sense, validation? Does it make sense that you’re trying to jump and run and find self by taking care of other people’s emotions and actually try to make sense of it? Yes, it makes sense because I grew up in an alcoholic home. I grew up in a situation where I was implicitly guided and trained to make sure mom’s okay and dad’s not too drunk. I don’t have to do that anymore. That’s how I survived. I want to thrive.

Placing survival or safety over fulfillment and meaningfulness is a road to nowhere. Well, it’s a road to continuing to create the same thing you’ve always created. If that’s okay with you, keep doing it. Next is self-regulation. No one can make you feel anything without your permission. Even this feeling of I have to fix. The situation, your system, the person. It’s not your feelings. It’s not your thoughts. That’s the system thoughts and feelings.

You can work on that. Practice pausing before reacting. In fact, practice responding, not reacting. Define boundaries clearly. Clearly identify where you end and how the person begins. What are your feelings versus theirs? So here’s a practical tip. When you notice yourself over-functioning, take a step back and ask, I solving their problems or offering support? And ask, is offering support solving their problems or do I genuinely want to give it? Caring versus caretaking, right?

And then practicing differentiation. Stay connected but separate. This is a huge concept in building family systems. A lot of times in the 90s in therapy as we continue to evolve in psychology, there’s a concept of, you you don’t have to go home for Christmas. You can just totally cut people out of your life. And there’s times and places where, yeah, you really don’t have to go home for Christmas if you want to go to Europe instead. But really, is it about reacting to the system and not learning to actually regulate yourself within it and contextualizing that?

or are you just reacting, right? So learning to respond to the system and staying connected can really help with your maturation. If you’re constantly running and or meshing to a family system, you’re not learning anything and everyone’s enabling each other and the cycle keeps on going. But if you can take a step back, saying no, do it in a kind, gentle, but stern and assertive way, you’re allowing people to look at themselves in the mirror because you’re doing it in such a calm way so they can learn to grow too.

but you’re not in charge of that growth, you’re not working to help them with that growth, you’re just holding self. And you get no points for style, right? You’re just practicing holding self. And yes, that’s really what I want you to focus on. How can I stay protective and be successful here in this situation? And by the way, when you grow, it’s better for everybody. So stay connected but separate. It’s a big kind of

punk rock way to go about this because it’s either you just cut everyone out because you’re living your life and you’re growing now, not really, but we call it that sometimes, or you’re just being Mr. Nice Guy and mentioning and trying to savor everybody. No, stay connected, but separate, balancing togetherness and separateness. It’s a dance, it’s not a rigid rule. That’s why it’s hard for people to get this because they’re trying to do this in a non-dualistic way, or a dualistic way. I’m talking about non-dualism. Yes, I’m going to

be with triggering family members and I am learning to not let them trigger me because I’m learning to be separate in the context of that connection. Not distant, not pushing them away, staying connected, actually having some vulnerability. Connected but separate. You can remain present relationships without absorbing someone else’s anxiety or emotions. You can work on that healthy shield, that healthy distance. So.

Here’s a nice helpful mantra. I can care about you without taking responsibility for you. And you don’t need to say that loud necessarily, maybe you do. It’s the same concept with boundaries don’t mean I don’t love you. Boundaries are boundaries. I can care about you without taking responsibility for you. So big benefits, you lower your own anxiety and increase your capacity to show up as your authentic self. If the goal is I’m gonna be exactly who I am, where I’m at in my journey.

Allow other people to deal with me there not reject myself first so that they’re okay, but allow them to reject me God forbid Right, but they’re family and I need to think about that

Can you, is it loving to lie? Can you get a little more creative than that to be loving in a way where you’re exactly who you are and gentle and caring to other people’s process and journey too, that you don’t need them to change. You see it differently and you can work on that. Not changing them, just changing you, protecting yourself in that process. You also create healthier, more balanced relationships overall. I don’t think I need to say more on that.

So key takeaways, recognize enmeshment, understand the difference between caring and caretaking, and practice defining boundaries. I gave you a really nice quick awareness, noticing your thoughts, feelings, making sense of them, regulating. And one thing I didn’t mention, when it comes to regulating, one way to regulate is really ask yourself, what am I believing and what’s the truth? I’m not worth anything unless I over function. Is that true? No, I’m worthy. I’m intrinsically, I’m good.

Let me practice from that space and then do opposite action of what I’m used to. Easier said than done, but that’s the practice at the end of the day. And you can do it. So this week, try identifying one moment where you might be caretaking instead of being caring and see what shifts for you when you set a boundary. Can you watch those emotions, work with those emotions, catch them like a baseball, but you stay on the driver’s seat? That’s the encouragement. If you’re ready to go deeper into this work, see if you can book a session with me, 15 minute free.

Consultation, if not, continue looking at the Bowen Family Systems work. This is a deep, deep well. You can work on this. Send me questions. I’ll continue to make videos three to four times a week.