053 | Basics of Self-differentiation

Colt (00:00)
Hello, my name is Colt, therapist, coach, talking about self-differentiation, the basics of self-differentiation and why it is so important to be aware of where you’re at. Do you find yourself getting lost in certain situations, in certain situations, romantically, family-wise? You don’t know who you are, but maybe at work you’re kicking butt, right? So self-differentiation, the basics of it. So helping people think in systems is what this …

podcast is all about lowering anxiety and becoming more of who you are. And I’m gonna talk about what is self-differentiation, the two forces of togetherness and separateness, signs of low self-differentiation, characteristics of high self-differentiation, and practical steps to grow in self-differentiation. So let’s just get right into it. What is self-differentiation at the of the day?

the ability to maintain your sense of self while staying emotionally connected to others. Notice I didn’t say become yourself by leaving toxic situations. Become yourself when you get out of that relationship. No, in the context of staying connected with others, right, being you. I’m only me when I’m away from my family. Well, that’s not very self-differentiary. That’s a very enmeshed slash cutoff way of being and that will echo in your life and follow you everywhere.

So if you’re someone that cuts off from people that don’t allow you to be you, that’s something you can work on, that’s on you to be you. It’s not up to mom and dad, it’s not up to boyfriend, it’s up to you and you can work on that. Or cutting off or getting a mesh, right? Just people pleasing whoever I need to be in order to be okay. So balancing togetherness, connection, and separateness, individuality.

Balancing those two this is who I am and I’m staying connected staying vulnerable. I’m staying present with you a Lot of times in psychology we get this concept that we’re this individual stovepipe that were this Individual amongst other individuals and to a degree that’s correct, but it doesn’t paint the whole picture doesn’t give you the the bigger Sense of how self works and it’s much more like an art mobile if you ever seen one of those It’s you pull on one character in art my

mobile and it moves everything else, right? So that’s kind of what it is about when you’re thinking in systems. It’s like one way to look at life in psychology is looking at yourself as an individual and that’s important, doing the things that are necessary for self-care, to take care of yourself, learning the skills that are necessary. But if you’re not thinking in systems, you’re really going to keep yourself from transforming yourself in a way that is more sophisticated. So again, think of yourself as a part of a system.

Not only from the family you come from, from the system you’re currently in, the culture, whatever it may be. And when one person moves, it impacts everyone else. And to learn how to be individualized, be a self within all those reactions and not caving is a big part of self differentiation. Again, balancing togetherness, we’re together, right? One person moves, it impacts other people. But also that individuality, honoring both sides with the connection and individuality. So let’s go a little more in depth through togetherness and separateness.

The second point, the two forces. Balancing these forces in relationships is extremely important. So this is what it looks like to be unbalanced. There’s two, over fusion or emotional cutoff. So over fusion’s too much togetherness, too much stickiness, too much, there’s an ick factor going on, right? I lose self. Who I am is dependent on what the group thinks about me. What mom and dad, sister and brother think about me is.

is more important than who I am and who I’m practicing to be. So this leads to codependency or loss of self. Who I am is what they think. Living by judgment and dying by judgment. A emotional cutoff is too much separateness, which causes disconnection. And you may say, okay, well, my family’s toxic and I’m just gonna push them away. Well, guarantee if you don’t work on that, you don’t.

Maybe you don’t need to work on it with the mom and dad, but you don’t work on pushing people away when the anxiety gets too high, then you’re going to do that whenever there is tension in relationships and push people away. So a healthy balance to promote authentic relationships and to reducing the anxiety is so necessary. Again, this is a dance, a dance of intimacy, balancing togetherness and separateness is what creates a self differentiated individual. Signs of low self differentiation. My third point here, just

So emotional reactivity, constantly reacting to what the group is doing, whether it’s in this assertive kind of pseudo way or it’s in this people-pleasing way, you’re reacting to what’s happening around you. Triangles, bringing a third person into a conflict, whether that person’s trying to fix, right, bringing them to gossip with them in order to solve the situation, right, sending messengers. By the way, gossip is very interesting. It’s a way to simultaneously

feel superior and build intimacy. Pseudo-intimacy, of course. So another sign of low self-difficulties is codependency and counterdependency. So codependency is too much closeness, counterdependency is just the opposite. We’re trying to find the middle. We’re trying to be, again, together but separate. These patterns are common but can change with awareness and effort. It’s something that is in your power to do. So.

Characteristics next point here for characteristics of high self differentiation so After affirming your values and emotions without cutting off others, right? Your emotions your values don’t matter. I’m learning to be independent now. So, you know, shut up No, that’s not self-differentiation. You’re you’re allowing others to have their values to have their politics to have whatever right with also affirming and counting your emotions in the process that this is

part of the deal. My voice matters here too. Without needing to be right. See needing to be right would be again that counter dependency separateness or that need for enmeshment. Everyone needs to think the way I think, feel the way I feel for me to be okay. And that’s something you can work on. Maintaining connections without losing your sense of self, right? I can have a relationship with Tony or Sarah or John and be who I am in that process.

Be clear about who I am. Be clear about what my values are instead of shifting them depending on who I am. Okay, here I’m a chameleon, right? I’m purple over here, I’m green over here, and I’m blue over here. Working on that, okay? And working on resisting blame, right? You make me feel. Resisting shame, I am bad. And need to change others for your comfort. What if your comfort…

was coming internally or from a spiritual source versus based on people, places, and things. And then next part of high self-differentiation is recognizing and releasing illusions about others, including family and partners. And I could do a whole episode just on this, but I’m still trying to get dad to love me the way I’ve always needed to love him. Excuse me, the way I’ve needed him to love me.

I still think dad’s gonna finally love me the way I need him to love me. And there’s no evidence that he’s gonna change. That’s something you can let go of. In fact, just to go on a little spiel, a little rabbit trail on this, just the concept of waiting for people to love you and going back to the family, constantly trying to change mommy and daddy so that you’re okay and you’re like 25, 35 years old still trying to do that. You can work on that. You can learn to let go of that. The real goal is to…

practice self that togetherness and separateness without any change anybody and You becoming okay and protected in selfing in that context notice there’s a difference between becoming more of a self and selfish Selfishness or self-will is trying to change others right whether it’s good or bad For the benefit of your of your emotions The goal is that you are in charge of your emotions none of the people’s behaviors. It doesn’t mean be a doormat and to take abuse

but that you are focusing on your self-protection versus trying to change relationships, trying to get dad to finally love you. It ain’t happening. Fifth, practical steps to grow in self-differentiation, self-awareness, reflect on your patterns of reactivity, fusion, or cutoff. Emotional regulation, practicing staying calm and grounding during conflicts. Calmness is everything, and it’s something you can actually get pretty good at. You’re gonna feel like you’re faking it at first because you are.

And that’s something that you can get better at over time is not reacting, not needing other people to think the way you think for you to be OK and for you to be like, OK, yes, I understand. That’s where you’re coming from. And this is how I see it. I see it differently. And being able to do that in effective way. Boundaries. Learn to say no without guilt and yes without losing yourself. I’m learning to be caring before caretaking. And when I say no, you’re

Practice that self-talk. Have I done anything wrong, yet I feel guilt? No, so this guilt’s not real. It’s okay to block that guilt. Focus on you. Focus on you. Focus on you. It’s most likely not about you, even if you were the target, even if you’re being tested and said, you’re different now. It’s most likely not about you. It’s about them. Focus on you. Shift from trying to fix others to growing your own maturity. Easier said than done.

But the only person needs to change is you in the context of a system. And it can become such a free in place. I remember when I really started learning this, and there was such chaos going on around the dinner table. And everyone with all their competing emotions, and you need to make me feel this, and you make me feel that, you’re cheating in the game. And I’m able to be like, I can be calm here. I don’t need to react. I can let everyone do their circus.

and I can just be cold, calm, grounded. That was something I got a sense for. knew it on paper, but I never really experienced it until I experienced it because I was looking for that freedom. And it’s something you can learn, and it’s something you can become aware of. It is so freeing. If I can do it, you can do it. OK, reading and resources. There’s a great author, Harriet Lerner.

She’s got books called The Dance of Anger, The Dance of Connection, other YouTubes and podcasts like Jerry Wise. There’s also Mark Groves, I recommend his as well. So focus on yourself, do these resources, work on boundaries, emotional regulation, self-awareness, and above all, learning to think in systems. You’re not just this individual stovepipe. You’re a part of like an art mobile. When you pull on you, it shakes everyone else up and recognizing that tension.

that anxiety that everyone else is feeling is normal. They’re just trying to maintain the homeostasis, whether it be good, bad, neutral, otherwise. And your job is to continue to mature, focus on you. Easier said than done, but it can be done. You need to know your values. I say top three to six values is super important. Values can change. You don’t need to be married to these values, but these are values that are going to help you. Wait, what do I value? Right? So can get those feelings out of the driver’s seat and you’re back in the driver’s seat. You and your guiding principles are back in the driver’s seat. So

The importance of self-defecation for recovery, growth, and improved relationships. At the end of the day, becoming more who you are is the goal, no matter what context you’re in. Work, family, romance, friends, becoming you, decreasing that chameleon, right? Glomming onto others or pushing others away. Get into that dance of togetherness and separateness. So if you have any questions, if you have any comments, please sit in my way.

Continue to need material to talk on with these subjects. I’d love to help if I can in any way, even if it’s for a free question. you need an answer, I can make a video on those. Or you can schedule a free 15-minute consultation with me for personal guidance moving forward. All right, take care.