Colt (00:01)
Hello, my name is Colt and I talk about self-differentiation, Bowen Family Systems, thinking in systems. I’m a therapist, I’m a coach, help people and looking to help people at a broader scale. That’s why I have this podcast, YouTube channel, et cetera. Why is change so hard? Why is change difficult? Why do we keep living the same year over and over and over again?
Chronological is not the same as effectiveness. Just because you’ve had so many years doing something doesn’t mean you’re actually good at it. Just because you’re trying or wanting to change doesn’t mean you will change. Change takes a lot of effort. In fact, I say that you need to become a full-time student of change. you’ve done the work. You gotta keep doing the work. It’s not just about doing it once or doing the 12 steps once or going to therapy.
one time or a year, change is ongoing. The ego can rebuild itself. And one of reasons it’s so hard to change is the concept of survival, of safety, and fulfillment. Whatever you went through growing up, whatever dysfunction you went through, you developed core beliefs, you developed a pattern that helped you survive that environment. And as an adult, being aware of that can be that
much more helpful than not being aware of, of course. But really, not only awareness, but reverse engineering that is how change can happen over time. When you’re aware that, my gosh, I’m operating from my core beliefs, I’m operating from the survival traits, no wonder I keep self-sabotaging. Self-sabotaging is not a shameful thing to be ashamed of or unbroken, something’s wrong with me. No, that’s just trying to protect you, keep you safe.
And really a decision over time saying, I’m choosing to change and transform means I’m accepting that’s going to be uncomfortable for a while because I’m saying, yes, safety is important, but it’s not more important than fulfillment and meaningfulness. So when I feel that low frequency energy, that pain in my life, it’s an opportunity to reverse engineer. Where is that coming from? there it is. I’m not enough or I’m too much.
Right? And challenging that, validating yourself for why you’re there. If you don’t do that work, if you’re not pausing and looking at that and seeing how the system is trying to keep you in the homeostasis of what it needs you to be so they are all comfortable with it, there’s cult we know, the cult grows, it’s threat. If you’re aware of that, you can self differentiate out of it. It takes a lot of work. It’s very straightforward simultaneously. There’s the paradox.
This is a lot of work. It’s not easy, but it’s also straightforward. It’s very simple. Transformation is simple. It takes a lot of work, but it also produces long-term, easy life. Short-term, when you stop saying, know, I’m done doing these behaviors. I’m done with codependency. I’m done with addiction. Well, unfortunately, it’s going to get worse before it gets better because that means that you actually have to deal with those feelings now instead of stuffing them, right? And then keeping the cycle going. That’s the unfortunate part about transformation. It does get worse before it gets better. But if you know that, you can prepare for it.
You compare that. It’s going to get worse before it gets better, but I’m going to keep my eyes on my values, my guiding principles. I’m not going to live through my feelings. I’m not going to let my feelings be in the driver’s seat. I’m going my guiding principles be in the driver’s seat. I’m going to be driving my bus of my life with my higher power, with God, whatever you want to call that, with surrendering that I’m not going to play God. I’m not the king of the world. I’m not going to try to get people, places, and things to be in charge of my inner world. I’m going to be in charge of my inner world. I’m going to take responsibility for that.
I’m going to let my feelings still be there, my thoughts still be there. I’m not going to fight those, but I’m also not going to obey them. I’m going to work with them. They’re in the passenger seat now, though. This takes work. This takes time. And being very aware that if I’m not doing this work, that’s OK. You don’t have to do this work. If what you’re doing is working, keep doing that. But if you’re not diligent, if you’re not consistent in one day at a time, spending the time in prayer and meditation, spending the time in journaling, spending the time in therapy or coaching.
Spend the time reading the books you need to read and actually aligning yourself with those visions. Then you’re just going to keep getting what you’ve always gotten. If that works for you, fine. If it doesn’t work for you, there’s lots of steps you can take in order to reverse engineer a lot of this. And man, a big part of that is bringing self-compassion. It’s okay. Right? It makes sense. And actually slowing down and doing that. Eliminating the ruthlessly, ruthlessly eliminating hurry.
So you can slow down, reverse engineer, get yourself on track with the truth, and do opposite action. A lot of times when we’re working on transformation, we might go, my gosh, there’s anxiety again. Just do opposite action. It’s got to be slower than that. You really got to see what is underneath that. Why am I feeling the way I’m feeling? Let me get back in the driver’s seat. So I want to bring this quick little episode in as encouragement, as recognition that
This is not easy. is straightforward. It takes a lot of work. Self-sabotage is not something to be shameful of. It’s just trying to keep you safe, right? And making the decision that fulfillment and meaningful life is more important than how you feel. It’s more important than safety. Safety is still important, but it’s not more important than fulfillment. Take care.
