055 | Buttons Get Pushed

Colt (00:00)
Hello, my name is Colt and I help people think in systems. I’m a therapist and a coach internationally. I specialize in Bowen family systems. It’s a focus of mine in which I help clients think in systems and the purpose of self-differentiating, becoming a more solid, non-reactive, lower anxiety type of person to be the person you were made and called to be.

Instead of constantly reacting, running away and meshing to people in order to find okayness, in order to find your portion, you’re trying to get people in places and things to be a certain way so you’re okay. What if you were okay no matter what people, places and things were doing? Sure, you have your preferences, but wouldn’t that be the life? Wouldn’t that be freedom? And that’s part of the reason I have people think in systems because when you think in systems, you can see yourself.

much more than just an individual stovepipe, you can see yourself as part of a broader part of a system and see the system in the context of you so that you can therefore become more of yourself in the context of the system instead of subconsciously reacting to that system. So today I’m going to talk about some concepts and I hope it’s not too metaphorical, but I’m going to talk about buttons as far as core beliefs or intense feelings. We all have buttons that get pushed, right?

our reactions to those buttons and creating space between those buttons and our reactions and what we really want. So those are the first, the main three things I want to talk about. What do we really want instead of those reactions? A lot of times we’re reacting, but we’re not getting what we want. We’re reacting, and we may get what we want initially because people don’t like the reaction, but we’re ultimately not getting what we want when we’re reacting. And then fourth, more of a high level based on those three concepts is this idea of our side

and someone else’s side, where they end and where I begin and understanding that. And the metaphor I like to use is the tennis court metaphor. When you’re interacting with somebody, they have their side and you have your side. And being able to understand the boundaries of that, right? There’s not a big wall between you, otherwise you couldn’t play tennis, but there’s also…

there’s boundaries. If there was no net, it just be too permeable. You don’t bring a bowling ball, there’s rules, right? So there still needs to be boundaries. Here’s my side, here’s your side. But there needs to be not so many boundaries that we can’t actually interact, right? You’re too closed off. So we’re going to talk about that. Okay, so let’s dive in a little bit more in depth about what are buttons? We all have them, right?

And a real easy way to talk about this is just data. Feelings are data, right? Intense emotions are data. We’re just learning to name those. Sometimes we get this message that, you know, just feel your feelings, know what they are, and there we go. To a degree, you you got to feel it to heal it, but that’s not the big picture. Recognizing your feelings is just one part of moving forward.

And that doesn’t mean that your feelings are running the show. That’s not helpful. If you let your feelings, okay, I’m in therapy now, I’m in coaching, so now my feelings are at the forefront because I’m learning to feel my feelings and identify them. No. But I’m also not saying ignore them. Those are extremes. Being aware. So that first part of the button, right, we all get our buttons pushed, is recognizing the data. What am I noticing? Thoughts, feelings, sensations, right?

So when we’re talking about someone push my button, we’re talking about, I feel invisible. I don’t feel enough. I’m not enough. Right? I feel anxiety. OK? So people placing things do something, fires in LA, new governor, whatever, right? Being able to recognize the button that’s being pushed and put a name to it.

when we can bring something to the light, it takes it out of the dark. And all of sudden, we can get some space between it. But if we don’t name it, our buttons get pushed, and here’s the second concept, we go right to reacting. Knee-jerk reaction. And if we knee-jerk react, typically, for instance, if our button of anxiety gets pushed, we get our buttons pushed and anxiety happens, then…

The reaction is defensiveness. The reaction is shut down. So this next part, typically what happens when a particular button of yours gets pushed? And being able to recognize that and being able to be predictive with your typical reactions. One of mine, when I feel like, when my button of I’m not enough gets pushed, I shut down. Sometimes I get belligerent.

That’s a little less often, it’s more 25 % of the time, I get a little belligerent or stubborn, or I say things I don’t really mean. That’s a reaction of mine when I feel like I’m not enough. But typically, again, we want to be predictive here so we can work on these things. Typically, I shut down, I get quiet, I isolate. Right? And the thing about this is, when you feel I’m not enough, or you feel powerless, these reactions

sometimes initially can help because if I’m being belligerent, all of a I feel strong and I feel protective, but long term my relationships keep getting hurt. Or when I isolate, yeah, I feel safe immediately because there’s no one that can hurt me, right? I’m away from everybody. My office door is closed. Wonderful. No one can hurt me, but long term I’m hurting myself because I’m not participating in humanity and connection. I’m a social being.

Okay, so before we get to the third concept I really want to talk about is what do you really want? So we talked about buttons, reactions, and what do you really want? What are you really after? What are your values? Where are you going? Just want to talk about the concept between the two concepts. So the button and reaction, the idea of creating space, creating space between the button that’s pushed and your reaction is a big part of healing, a big part of transformation.

And if you’re not working on creating that space, then you’re going to constantly get buttons pushed and you’re reacting, reacting, right? Someone said something offensive to me. my gosh, post that, right? Everybody feel sorry for me, attention seeking, whatever it is, right? And if that’s working for you, then whatever, keep doing that. But if you recognize, yeah, short term is working, long term, I stay stuck. Then you can work on that reaction.

you can work on creating space. and again, the big way of doing that, just being aware of what the feeling, what the button being pushed is, it brings light to it. And therefore I have a choice. And this is that famous Viktor Frankl quote that I’m so fond of between stimulus button and response and what I call reaction is choice, right? That’s where our freedom lies. And so your freedom depends on

recognizing the stimulus, recognizing the button being pushed, and instead of reacting or responding in a way that you’re typically doing, I can create space and choose something else. So let’s segue that into what is that then? What is that what you really want? So when I feel like I’m not enough and I respond by isolating, but I’m working on creating a space between isolation coming from I’m not enough.

What I really want is to be understood. What I really want is intimacy with my wife. Right? And if I can be aware of that, I can open my heart up and ask for it. Get my needs and wants met. Okay. So again, button, right? How do I react? What do I really want? And being able to master those basics right there can be super profound and effective.

If you can’t even master that, you’re kind of just reacting to people, places, and things, and their button’s getting pushed, and your button’s getting pushed, and who’s going to meet my needs, and my gosh, they offended me. So slow down. What are my top five buttons I get pushed? What are my top five reactions? And what are my top five things I really want? If we can get clear about those 15 things and those three concepts, then we can start creating space between our button and reaction so we can actually get

what we want by being honest. But if you do that, that might mean some relationships aren’t going to work because not a lot of people can actually meet what you honestly need. And that’s scary. The alternative is not being aware of your buttons, or even if you are aware of them, just keep reacting to them or other peoples. And that brings up this real bird’s eye view concept of tennis court. Right? This tennis court metaphor that I like to use is you got your side,

and they got their side. And you need to take full responsibility for your side. It’s no one else’s responsibility to learn how to respond better to your buttons being pushed. That is 100 % your responsibility. Yeah, but my wife needs to meet my needs. My husband needs to do all these things so I’m OK. No. You need to do all those things to be OK.

Yes, you have a partnership where they can assist in that but that’s ultimately your responsibility and asking and being assertive and having boundaries is a big part of that but that ultimately comes from you taking full responsibility No one and I know there’s nuance here Okay, but it’s a very wonderful practice if you can really take this on no one can make you feel anything If you’re taking full responsibility for your side of the tennis court you recognize that button that’s that’s coming from childhood. It’s come from my system

Right? That’s not my wife doing that to me. That’s not my friend doing that to me. That’s a button within me that I need to take full responsibility for, which might mean boundaries, of course, right? But ultimately, in the day, that’s my button that’s being pushed, my core belief that’s being pushed if I’m not enough. And I need to be aware of that. And I need to learn to actually ask for what I really need and want. And that requires vulnerability, because they may not be able to do it. And I need to move on. Right?

And they need to do the same thing for relationship to work. And relationships work, and you’re taking full responsibility for your side, and someone else is taking full responsibility for their side. That’s a tennis game that can work. That’s a match that people like to watch. People want to see a rhythm, and it’s a dance. It’s not a black and white idea. There are black and white rules, but it’s a dance relationships. The dance of intimacy, the dance of vulnerability, the dance of…

My button, your button, right? I’m not going to cross your side and take care of that. That’s for you. And this is my side, but we can make it work if we’re honest and real. And that really starts with honesty with myself. That’s how relationships work because now we’re relating. So talk about the three concepts, buttons, creating a space between your buttons, your reactions, reactions, the second concept, right? And then what do you really want? So let’s get a

clear example here and I’ll just pull one from my own life. So I actually heard this recently from a marriage conference that I went to which I thought was wonderful. Some really brilliant in the basics kind of work here and I thought it’d be wonderful to share on podcast slash YouTube here for what I’m typically talking about which is self-differentiation in thinking and systems. And a lot of this stuff is copycat league meaning you’ll hear a lot of this

kind of language in a different kind of way, but we’re all borrowing from each other to explain the same kind of concepts of taking full responsibility for your own life, self-differentiation, and thinking systems. And it was interesting that the conference, I noticed there was a gentleman at the conference that would be in the audience, and he tried to get in and teach and take up time and spotlight instead of letting the teachers just teach. And I noticed that I was annoyed.

And that’s my button, right? I was annoyed that someone was talking a lot when they should have just been listening, right? Of course. I mean, it makes sense why I feel the way I feel. It was annoying. It was. And my reaction was just to shut down and like look down at my paper and like, this guy’s an idiot, and start name calling him in my head. I could have just been belligerent. Like, shut up, man. There’s a myriad of things I could have done or what people could have done.

I just kind of shut down like my paper and kind of just name called in my head. Once I was aware of that, though, I said, wait a second, what I really want is some respect to happen in this room. So therefore I went over to him and say, you need to be respect. No, I didn’t do that. But I recognize I’m not willing to correct him and I don’t think it’s appropriate. I need to correct myself here. And I need to realize respect is an inside job and I need to respect myself. Right. And get and get that from.

my relationship with my higher power, get that respect, not trying to get this guy to do something so I’m okay. All right, once I started realizing, I was like, wow, that’s pretty immature of me, actually. He’s gonna do what he does. I don’t need him to be different, so I’m okay. But I was reacting as if that was the case. And once I was able to do that, it was amazing what happened. He didn’t really stop doing that. I mean, they were able to manage it and it did get better. But what was interesting is the next time he raised his hand, I was actually able to listen to him and connect with

the man doing that. And what I really wanted was respect, and I was able to respect myself and like, this is an inside job. And I was able to respect him as a result too, and listen to his next question or his next point. It was actually a really good one. And his question was more or less, if as a man, I have trouble with feeling feelings, and I don’t know what to do with that, but I know it’s good for my wife, so I’m trying to work on that.

How can you encourage us, speaker, to be aware of these feelings, to be aware and for men to embrace them more? And essentially, they use the dashboard metaphor of feelings are essentially our data. But anyway, getting off the point here, the main point is I was able to recognize my button being pushed. I was able, instead of reacting by shutting down and judging him and calling him names inside my head,

I had to take some space. I don’t really want that. I want respect. And yes, I would love if respect was looking like him being different. So I’m OK. But that’s really disempowering. He’s not going to change. No one’s really going to change him. And I really just need to do an inside job. And respect is an inside job. I need to respect myself here and then, therefore, respect him. He is who he is. And that freed me up so much. opened my heart. And I was on my side of tennis court. I let him be on his side of tennis court. And we moved on. Right?

Probably not the most basic example I can bring up, but it’s a real example of how helpful these concepts can be and how you can apply them to anything. Whenever you’re noticing some low-frequency energy, anxiety, negative emotion, whatever you want to call it, lack of okayness, as they say on the streets, like, I’m not okay, right? That’s an opportunity to recognize, wait a second, something’s being pushed with inside of me. I’m going to take full responsibility of that instead of trying to change people, places, and things.

And I’m going to, instead of reacting with isolation, I’m going to respond with, do I really want here? I want connection. I want intimacy. OK. Hope that made sense today. I hope this was helpful. And if you have any questions, clarifications on these materials, these episodes I have, please send me a question. I love to use questions and people’s content to further these episodes forward. All right. Take care.