Colt (00:00)
Hello, my name is Colt and this is my podcast on family systems, self-differentiation, becoming a more well-defined self, lowering anxiety, all coming from a Bowen family systems lens. Today I’m going talk about the emotional sobriety inventory, aka how to not give your power away and how common that is when we live in a society where feelings are the most paramount of importance.
They’re not, they’re important, but they should not be driving your life. They should be in the passenger seat. There should be assistance to your life, not in front and center and people, places and things being in charge and making you feel things. I’m telling you, you don’t have to be made to feel anything. You can have such internal freedom, right, with awareness, with thinking in systems.
seeing things from a bird’s eye, fly on the wall kind of view, that you’re not reacting to people placing things. In fact, things are happening, systems are doing what they’re doing, and you can have total freedom and calm relief, relaxation. Well, only if politics are going the way I want. Okay, then you’re trapped. If only so-and-so wouldn’t treat me this way, if only the barista would look at me that way, then I’d be okay. You’re trapped. What if you could be okay?
Not deny your feelings, but what if it could be okay, no matter what is happening to you in the world from moment to moment, time to time. That’s freedom. That’s self-differentiation. Being able to become more of a free, well-defined self grounded, no matter what’s happening around you. Some people might call that enlightenment, by the way. Okay, so first things first, when you’re noticing a…
An event that’s negative for you. You don’t like it. It’s going against your preference. a barista has given you a dirty look. That’s the first thing. Just recognize. Describe what just happened. Okay, my button got pushed. Someone gave me a bad look. Okay, your reaction is, screw her, I don’t like her, that person sucks, whatever. You start name calling your head or you just react and fight in real life, real time. Whatever that is, recognize first.
What just happened to how did you react? Third is really getting clear about your unenforceable rule. What does unenforceable mean? Meaning you can’t enforce it, it’s not in your control. What is your unenforceable rule? So a great way to break that down is what should they have thought or done or said or felt? The barista should have given me a smile and should always give me smiles and always treat me and throw out the red carpet from.
That’s what they should have done. And if she would have done that, that would have made me feel loved, worth, respected, etc. So my unenforceable rule is everyone in the world, maybe this particular barista, should have given me a smile the whole time in order for me to feel, for her to make me feel loved, respect, worth.
So that’s the third part. First part was just describe what happened, what button got pushed. Second, how did you react? Third, what’s your unenforceable rule? Fourth, what is the unhealthy dependency underlining the reaction and unenforceable rule? In other words, the fourth part here is why is that unhealthy? Well, my sense of worth, my sense of love,
my sense of respect is dependent on another person’s behavior outside of me. And as long as that person is behaving and acting in the way that I need them to act, I’m okay. Talk about disempowering. First of all, I can’t control that. And whenever it is or isn’t happening or is not happening, there goes my respect out the window. This is something that’s very important to realize and to practice. No one
can make you feel anything. Well, Colt, that’s not true. When the barista looks at me with a dirty look, I feel you can work on that. You can work on becoming resilient within so that no matter what’s happening without outside of you, water for ducks back. Right? You’re not taking it personally. You’re not letting it, you’re not letting the feelings, right, take over. And it takes a lot of practice. Right?
eventually you’ll get to a place where you’re not taking it personal, but initially you do and you’re able to snap back into empowerment, not disempowering yourself by waiting for people and places and things to be a certain way for you to be okay. So the fifth step here, again, first step was just noticing, describing. Second, how did you react? How are you reacting? Third, what’s your unenforceable rule? Four, why is that unenforceable rule healthy? What’s that underlying dependency there?
And fifth, to stay centered, emotionally balanced, I need to, right, I need to let go, focus on my higher power, focus on God, focus on a mantra, focus on emotionally regulating myself, taking care of myself, telling myself, hey, it’s probably not about me, focus on you, right? Journal about it, do these four steps prior, meditate, prayer, whatever it’s gonna help you.
get grounded and remind you, oh, that’s right, that’s not how you live. Living that way is disempowering. I don’t want to live that way anymore, so I’m going to choose to do blank. So these are five super helpful steps. I tell people all the time, you need three things for transformation, taking 100 % responsibility for your life. For instance, no one can make you feel anything. Be in charge of your own feelings.
For instance, there’s much more to that. Two, you need a grounding practice. For me, I do Centering Prayer. It’s kind of like a Transcendental Meditation. It’s a way, every day, the first thing I do when I wake up, I do Silent Prayer. That really helps me get grounded and stay aligned with my higher power, stay aligned with centeredness, if you will. Not letting all these things knock me off my center. When I do that every day, one day at a time, I’m able to
get back to center quicker because I practiced it first thing. That could be a myriad of things. You don’t have to do what I’m doing. Some people do walks. Some people focus on mantras. Mantras really keep them centered, whatever. Have a grounding practice. And the third thing is have a clearing practice. And these five steps I just broke down from the emotional sobriety inventory. You don’t have to use this. Byron Katie has a wonderful clearing practice.
Is it true? Are you 100 % sure it’s true? What if it, what would your life be like without this? What would your life be? I may be misquoting that, but nonetheless, there’s many different clearing processes, right? 12 steps, how does the 10th step? Journaling is a clearing process. How do you take out the trash? How do you take out the core belief narratives? The idea that people are in charge of your happiness.
So take 100 % responsibility, have a grounding practice, have a clearing process. Again, this one is just describe the upsetting event. That’s number one. Two, how did you react? Three, what’s your unenforceable role? What should they have said, done, thought in order to make you feel more loved, more respect, more worth? Four, what is unhealthy about that? What’s the underlying dependency with that unenforceable role?
Five, how do you stay centered? This is practice. It takes work, just like the gym. You got to do the reps. Finding a coach, finding a therapist that can coach you along the way, spot you while you do those reps can be extremely important. And you’re not tied to the people in your area. Reach out to me if you want coaching, if you want therapy, depending on what state you live in. There’s a lot of overlap nonetheless.
All in all, take full responsibility for your life. Have a grounding practice. Have a clearing process like the one I just described to you today. Take full responsibility for your life. Stop letting people make you feel you can work on that. Easier said than done, but it can be done. Take care.
