Colt (00:00)
There are many ways to set boundaries. Today, I’m going to give you a one-in-the-moment way of setting boundaries. Again, there’s myriads of ways of setting boundaries. Wonderful tools out there on how to do so. One of my favorites is DeerMan. I’m just going to teach you a very simple two-part framework on how to set a boundary in the moment when someone crosses that boundary. My name is Colt Gordon. I do this podcast teaching people to think in systems in order to self-differentiate.
You’re not just an individual stovepipe in the world. You’re part of a bigger network, and that network, especially from your own family systems network, can puppet you subconsciously throughout your whole life if you’re not aware of it. And being aware of that can help you that much more to become a more well-rounded, lower anxiety person. Okay, let’s keep this very simple today just so it can be a tool that you implement. On the spot.
if someone does something that causes discomfort for you, being uncomfortable is enough of a reason to practice boundaries. And you can it in a calm way. Alright, so first step, acknowledge, acknowledge. Acknowledge their position, acknowledge your own position. Okay? Okay, that’s how you see it. This is how I see it. Notice I didn’t say, you’re wrong, I’m right, or I’m wrong, you’re right. Acknowledge, acknowledge. The second part is asserting.
this is what i need or let me say it better let me say it more effective way that doesn’t work for me this is what i need can you do that that doesn’t work for me this is what i need can you do that all right so this simple framework there’s a lot of nuances in there but you have to be brilliant in the basics a b c one two three crawl walk run so acknowledge acknowledge that doesn’t work for me
I need this, can you do that? Let’s bring in an example. So let’s say someone, I hate to bring up politics, so let’s use politics. Gold yellow party. There’s the gold party, then there’s the yellow party. Person A comes at me, you are part of the yellow party? You should think the way I do. And the gold party, what’s wrong with you? So acknowledge, acknowledge. My job right there is just,
You see it this way, you see it in the gold party way. I see it in the yellow party way.
costs. It’s like I say. Acknowledge, acknowledge. my gosh, you’re a bad person because you are part of the yellow party. Whatever, right? Or you’re an idiot because you’re, you know what? You might be right, that’s your position, this is my position. Right? Acknowledge, acknowledge. All right. Someone’s just lecturing you. Here comes the boundary, right? Hey man, like…
You can have your way seeing the world, I can have my way of seeing the world, it’s all good. Do me the favor though, it doesn’t work for me to talk about politics. I don’t wanna talk about politics. Can we just not bring that up at work or at the dinner table? Can you do that? Right? So you see how non-defensive this can be. You don’t need to be defensive, you don’t need to be right. It releases so much tension when you’re just water off a duck’s back.
You’re allowing them to be gold party and you’re yellow party. You’re a bad person. Maybe I am a bad person. And here’s some nuance, right? This is the part that I want to bring some nuance. Imagine no matter what the name you’re being called, what the tack is, imagine someone’s calling you banana. Imagine they’re calling you a bottle of lotion. If someone were to call you a bottle of lotion. No, I’m not. I’m not a bottle of lotion. Right? You wouldn’t defend yourself. Same here.
When someone attacks you and calls you a name, calls you a bad person, typically the response that you’re expected to have is to engage and there you go, you’re stuck in the tug of war. Drop the rope. Maybe I am a bottle of lotion. And some clients might ask me, well, isn’t that being a doormat? No, actually, this is a doormat. Okay, you’re right, I’m a bottle of lotion. Okay, you’re right, I should be part of the gold party. No, maybe I am a bottle of lotion. Maybe I am a green banana. Maybe I am a bad person.
I’ll think about it in the meantime. I’m yeah, I think I think in the yellow party way Okay, so you’re just diffusing like diffusing a bomb you’re just like okay got it Right and you assert then you assert you say hey This doesn’t work for me. This is what I need moving forward. Can you do that now? Sometimes people say well, I did that I did all these things and it didn’t work
Say you follow this, you’re really in the basics, you kept it very simple, it didn’t work. First of all, also knowing that sometimes you need to repeat the boundary until it’s actually received, they heard it, but let’s say they still don’t adhere to it, they’re not willing to budge, whatever it may be, then that’s telling you something. This is not someone that you can really have much of a relationship with. And being able to accept that and having consequences for people that aren’t willing to have a dance with you is a very important process.
However, tolerating things that you don’t need to tolerate and saying that’s called love is actually enabling and you don’t need to do that. So this is not easy. Life relationships are very complex, but it’s also very doable to become brilliant in this work, become brilliant in the martial arts of interpersonal effectiveness. This doesn’t mean be aloof, this doesn’t mean be non-sensitive to people’s
insensitive people’s situation or how they feel, it’s okay. You know, and it’s not a time to be a smart aleck or to be sarcastic. It’s just holding self.
being grounded with just where you’re at. I’m still taking in data, maybe you’re right, maybe this is something you need look into, but anyway, this is where I stand. Here’s my boundary. And recognize that most people do want to adjust to you. Most people do want to, once they’re aware of a boundary that you have and you’re articulated and you’re calm, most people want to make that adjustment. The people that don’t, especially when you’ve practiced these two steps in this framework,
have been very calm and have been a broken record and given a couple of chances to adhere to your boundary and they haven’t that’s telling you something that’s that’s means further action is necessary meaning creating a healthy distance doing what you can to avoid sidestep in a healthy way right it’s actually healthy to avoid at times it’s very important to acknowledge that to engage and really be brilliant the basics here
Life’s too complex it is. Gotta have focuses, gotta have frameworks. Hope this was helpful. Remember, if someone calls you a green banana, sounds good, okay.
