060 | From Insecurity to Inner Security

Colt (00:01)
Hello. So today I’m talking about from insecurity to inner security. Welcome to my podcast, the show here. And today I’m talking about shifting from this place of letting people, places, and things be in charge of your inner world. Hence, insecurity. I’m not secure within. And that you can.

through the process of indirection, through the process of thinking and system, work on your inner security. So the goal is to help you stop absorbing the chaos around you and start taking ownership of your love, respect, and worth. That’s your responsibility. It may not be your fault. In fact, I tell that a lot to clients that I work with.

It’s not your fault that you’ve been dealt this weakness, if you will, or this deficiency, or this lack of security. These are the cards you were dealt. That’s your lot. All right, let’s own that. And it’s also your responsibility. It’s not your fault, but it is your responsibility to change, to transform. And you can transform. So I’m going to talk about understanding insecurity and why it’s not about you. Two, the mindset shift.

be like water off a duck’s back. Three, blameless but accountable. Four, owning your love, respect, and worth. And then we’ll get into some closing thoughts and some calls to action. All right, so let’s jump right into it. Understanding insecurity and why it’s not about you. First point here. So when people are acting crazy around or toward you, it’s easy to take it personally. When there’s chaos, right? When there’s insanity, when there’s a lot

It’s easy to say, there’s, and absorb that, right? This is about me. The reality check is that most of the time, it’s not about you. It’s not about you. It’s about their own anxiety, their own system, and maybe the system that you’re in now, now that you’re married or whatever it may be, that they’re trying to pull you into. Yes, that’s the system that you’re in, but you don’t need to react to that system. When it is about you,

or it involves you, that’s their responsibility to bring up. For instance, if you’re constantly leaving your socks out in the living room, it’s about you when they come to you and say, hey, that doesn’t work for me. I notice I feel a bit frustrated when I see that. Could you? It’s a reasonable request, right? They’re not asking for the moon. Could you work on that?

right then it’s about you and you can work on them if you can’t

you can’t adhere to a reasonable request, then you can’t have much of a relationship with a person, especially when they’re asking for a reasonable request. So again, the reality check is most of time it’s not about you. It’s about their own anxiety. And if it is about you, they need to be adults and address things with you. Until that happens, it’s not about you. In Vo and Family Systems Lens, emotional reactivity spreads like wildfire. So if you absorb it, you become

part of it. You can learn to stay connected with others, stay connected to the person that’s acting chaotic, that’s doing crazy things, that are highly emotional. You can stay connected but separate. You don’t have to absorb that. You can have that inner security. So second point, the mindset shift. Be like water off a duck’s back. The goal, stop absorbing other people’s motion. Let them roll off. Easier said than done, but it can be done.

This isn’t about ignoring people. It’s about letting their emotional state dictate, excuse me, let me read that again. It’s about not letting their emotional state dictate yours. So it isn’t about ignoring. It’s about, again, guarding self, holding self, becoming a more well-defined self, not letting reactivity define you. So example, when someone lashes out, instead of reacting, ask, is this actually about me?

these my thoughts and feelings? Or is this the emotional system pinging me trying to get me to react to that anxiety so that person doesn’t feel anxious anymore and then I don’t feel guilty etc etc etc or lashing out and fighting because you’re so sick of it. So when someone lashes out instead of reacting really these are probably not my thoughts and feelings these are the system’s thoughts and feelings and I don’t need to react I can

regulate self and then they can look at themselves in the mirror and learn to regulate themselves. I’m not gonna keep jumping in and keeping the cycle going and therefore not solve anything. The more you focus on you the less you get hooked into their system and that’s difficult in a lot of systems because the system will tell you that you are selfish if you don’t take accountability for their emotions. You make me feel this and you should stop making me feel this so therefore you’re selfish if you’re focused on you and regulating yourself. No.

These are adults here we’re talking about they you’re you’re not in charge of the people’s We get more into the principle of indirection throughout these episodes But the principle indirection here just to touch on it in this mindset shift of being like water for ducks back You are the kind of person if you struggle with reacting to chaos You’re the kind of person that is reactive

And you can work on that. But if you haven’t noticed, you have a hard time in the moment doing it. So there’s a lot of indirect things that you need to work on so that in the moment it’s easier to focus on you and not take that on. For instance, prayer and meditation would be very helpful. Learning and having the self-talk that, hey, my emotions, my love, respect, and worth, that’s on me. And I’m not charged with anyone else’s.

And they’re not in charge of mine. And continuing to drill that, to practice the various practices that are going to help you to change indirectly on the side. So in the moment, you actually have some more space between stimulus and response. Or maybe in your case, stimulus and reaction, knee-jerk reaction, right? OK, so let’s jump to the third point. I love these concepts of blameless but accountable. So the key distinction is blameless doesn’t mean

Passive. All right, so I don’t blame others for my emotions. I don’t blame myself for theirs. I don’t blame others for the anxiety I’m noticing and I don’t blame and I don’t blame myself When they’re anxious, they’re anxious because I’m not good enough. They’re anxious because I’m not doing ten backflips today

really owning that, recognizing that’s such an important principle to drive home when you’re learning to be healthier, more self-differentiated, especially in a system that’s chaotic. You don’t have to be a part of that chaos. But you do hold yourself accountable for your actions and hold others accountable for theirs. Okay? If someone disrespects me, I don’t absorb their negativity. But I also don’t tolerate it. You don’t have to tolerate abuse.

do not have to tolerate bad behavior. That’s not what we’re talking about. We’re not talking about being a doormat. We’re not talking about being passive. So I do hold myself accountable for my actions, my feelings. And I hold others accountable for theirs. Those are their feelings. Those are their actions. That’s not about me. Until they directly ask me a reasonable request to stop leaving my socks on in the middle of the floor, right? Because they’re noticing me taking full responsibility for the emotion of frustration.

Absolutely, I would be happy to do that because I want to be in relationship with you assuming you want to be in relationship with that person until then This is a process of until they bring that up because they’re an adult that you hold yourself accountable for your own feelings and actions and Hold others accountable for their own feelings and actions Don’t blame others for my emotions, and I don’t blame myself for theirs

So owning your loving respect. Actually, one more thing on that that I want to talk about. I got this from a mentor of mine. Keep it blameless when you’re working on your own self-inventory and working on your own growth. Keep it blameless for others and myself, but maintain accountability for others and myself. Let me say that again. Keep it blameless for others and myself. Don’t blame myself, don’t blame others. But maintain accountability for others and myself. That’s such a great little mantra.

for me to adopt or anyone to adopt when they’re working on their own inner transformation. Okay, so let’s go to that fourth point, owning your love, respect, and worth. People, places, and things are not in charge of your value, you are. Is there an echo in here? Probably, because I talk about that so much with my clients in these episodes is people, places, and things are not in charge of your value, you are.

And to take it to a real nuanced place, and this may be a little bit too much water in the sponge here, your emotions are not in charge of your value either. Right? So the emotions that you’re experiencing because of people, and things, that’s also not in charge of your value. But let’s keep it simple. You are in charge of your value. You are in charge of your love, respect, and worth. If you let external things dictate your self-worth, or your emotions that you’re experiencing that are being

caused as you see it from people, places and things to take your self-worth, you’re gonna be very ineffective at change. You will always be at the mercy of others, other people, places, other people, places and things. You’ll be at the mercy, such a disempowering place to be. So inner security means realizing it is okay. It’s going to be okay. When you start to really say,

wasn’t my fault, it’s not my fault that I have this people pleasing tendency or that I tolerate or take on the emotions of others, but it is my responsibility to stop doing that, to hold other people accountable, to be in charge of my own emotions, my own actions, and not be in charge of other people’s actions and emotions. And you start to do that, people start to retaliate. Inner security means you start to realize and start to really own, it’s okay and it’s going to be okay.

no matter what happens. Right? I’m gonna leave you, you’re a terrible person, we’re gonna fire you from this job because you’re selfish now. You know you’re not selfish. Okay? Right? My boyfriend thinks I’m a terrible person because I’m not… I’m not saying your anxiety is mine. You’re not a terrible person, you’re becoming a healthy adult. And your security means realizing it is okay.

It’s going to be okay. I had to learn this. It took me a while to… I’m still learning this. This work of self-differentiation is ongoing. It’s an adventure. It never ends. It gets better. You get more and more freedom. It’s the easy life. When you really adopt this, there’s so much freedom and empowerment. It took me a while though because I was trained that my job was to make everyone else…

happy around me. My job was to regulate. Right. And also did the opposite thing. I did this for a while too, is just push everyone away. And in the short term, cutting people out of my life really worked because I didn’t have to deal with all that anxiety. But then I would never let myself get close to anybody. And really learning that, wait a second, I’m not selfish, I’m not bad if I’m not taking care of everyone. And having relationships from that space.

And knowing it’s OK if people are upset with me because I’m not being in charge of their emotions became a good riddance kind of a thing. Well, good riddance. mean, this person’s not in an emotional, healthy space to have a relationship. And that sucks. I prefer that they would be because I kind of thought they were cool. But it’s not my job. And you start to find people that are willing, or the people that are in your life, start to become willing to take full responsibility because they know you’re not going to rescue them anymore. They realize that’s my job.

The work is not changing others, but in anchoring yourself. And again, I want to talk about indirection. If you struggle with this, I’m continuing to work on this, that I’m the kind of person that will feel anxious, right, when people think that I’m in charge of their emotions, or think I need to be doing this so that they’re okay. I notice that, I’m the kind of person that feels anxious, but the more I work on this, the more I do those indirect things, remind myself,

Continue to read about this. Continue to journal. Continue to use these mantras. Continue with my prayer and meditation life with my higher power. The more I realize that my security is within and the less that anxiety happens. So good luck. Okay, I’m just not going to do this anymore. It’s not that simple. There’s more to it than that. You need to do a lot of indirect work so that in the moment you have so much security that you just don’t do that anymore. You’re not that kind of a person anymore. That’s work. That takes time.

So recap, don’t take on what isn’t yours. Focus on your own steadiness. The next time someone’s chaos tempts you to react, pause. Ask yourself, is this about me? If you even have that ability, or do some of those indirect disciplines so you get to a place where you can pause. Because if you can’t pause right now, OK, I’m just not the person, I’m not that type of person that can pause. What can I do on the side to get to that place?

Call to action, this helped, share this episode, leave a review or book a 15 minute consultation. Love to help in where I can, throw out some ideas on what you’d like to hear in these episodes. I appreciate the feedback I’ve been getting. And as always, thank you for listening. I hope this is helpful. I hope that this is providing value. Take care.