Colt (00:00)
Hello, my name is Colt and welcome to Bowen Family Systems podcast I got here. And today I’m talking about act on a bus metaphor, what it means and how it connects to Bowen Family Systems. I’m a big fan of Bowen Family Systems as people that listen to this know and get, and I’m also a big fan of acceptance and commitment therapy. Essentially what that is, is a therapy model. It’s a coaching model as well.
that teaches guiding principles as being what you follow, not necessarily your feelings, but also not fighting feelings, thoughts and behaviors, working with them because most of the time they’re just trying to keep you safe. So I’m going to talk about what is act on a bus metaphor, how this relates to building family systems, driving the bus with self differentiation and practical takeaways, who’s driving your bus. So let’s jump right into it.
So what is act on the bus metaphor? So imagine your life as a bus and you are the driver. Well, hopefully, and then we’ll talk about that. Your passengers, your thoughts, emotions, anxieties, old family patterns, they all ride along. Some are loud, some whisper, some try to take the wheel. The mistake most people make thinking they need to get rid of these passengers before they can drive the bus. Thinking they kick everyone out.
until they can go where they want to go on the bus of their life. The bus is your life. You are the driver in the bus driving your life. And you’re either driving towards your values or guiding principles or you’re driving wherever your passengers are telling to go. And if you’re preoccupied with trying to kick everyone off the bus, all your feelings or whatever, before you go where you actually want to go, you’re gonna be waiting a long time because they’re just gonna get back on the next stop.
So the truth is they stay on the bus and they don’t control where you go unless you let them. They’re always going to be on that bus. Don’t try to move your life in the direction that you want to go until they get off the bus. They’re on the bus. Again, if you kick them off, okay, fine. You’re focusing on them, not where you want to go. So how does this relate to Bowen family system? So Bowen theory says anxiety spreads through relationships, right? Intense emotions, low frequency energy, whatever you want to call it.
We are shaped by our family systems. Family dynamics don’t disappear just because you move out or set boundaries. They don’t disappear just because you move 10 states away doesn’t mean they go anywhere. They’re right there with you. They stay on the bus with you. So even again, if you move to Alaska and your family’s in Texas, your family’s right there on the bus with you emotionally. And to know that can be so vital and important to transformation.
changing yourself. The key to self-differentiation is recognizing which passengers are family-driven patterns and deciding whether they dictate your direction. And right, we don’t want to throw the baby out the bathwater. If your family taught you some amazing healthy boundaries and values, take those along the way. Let them guide you, be a part of the way that you take the bus of your life. So the key to self-differentiation is recognizing which passengers are
Excuse me. Sorry. So example if your family avoided conflict, you might have to keep the peace as a passenger If your family valued achievement, you might have to never be enough passenger right None of these need to be kicked off. You just don’t let them drive. You might have a passenger that is Constantly putting you down because you had a dad that constantly put you down Notice that you have a passenger. It’s hard on you, right?
You don’t have a passenger that patronizes or babies you too much. Keep an eye on that and focus on driving your bus, not letting them tell you or get in the seat themselves. So third point here is driving the bus with self-differentiation. The goal isn’t to control who gets on the bus. It’s to stay in the driver’s seat and go where you choose. Is there an echo in here, right? What does this look like in real life? So anxiety shows up. Let it sit down, but keep.
driving. You don’t need to make it a prerequisite to get rid of anxiety before you go where you want to go. That can be a part of the journey. Thank you for sharing anxiety. I get it anyway. Back to my guiding principles, back to my roots here. A family pattern pulls at you. Notice it. But stay on your lane. Family pattern that I inherited is people pleased. I got people pleased to be OK. My OK-ness comes from people being happy with me.
Well, that doesn’t get me where I want to go. That doesn’t create a meaningful life. It creates a safe life in the short term, but it doesn’t create a meaningful life. So get back on the route. Thank you for sharing. I’m not in charge of other people’s emotions. I’m in charge of my emotions. on the route. Stay in the driver’s seat. Self-doubt, and acknowledge it, but steer towards your values. This is easier said than done, but it’s really an awareness. And this metaphor can be very helpful recognizing.
Am I in the driver’s seat, or am I getting sucked into all the drama on the bus and focusing on getting people off the bus, whatever it may be? Am I letting my emotions dictate me and drive where I’m wanting to go? So difference between being reactive, letting the passenger side, and being intentional, sticking to your guiding principles. And that’s the difference between a self-differentiated person and a reactionary codependent person.
is the intention of being guided by your principles, not being guided by your feelings. Your feelings matter. They’re just not in charge. They’re part of the ride. They’re not in charge. Fourth point, the practical takeaway. Who’s driving your bus? So next time anxiety, fear, old family patterns, try to steer, ask, am I driving or is the passenger taking over? Is this thought slash feeling a fact or just a loud voice? Don’t believe your own PR. Thank you for sharing.
I am not my mind. I noticed that thought. That’s not my thought. That’s a family system thought. I noticed that anxiety. Thank you. But there is no bear. There’s no danger here.
Where do I want to go, regardless of the noise? And what’s interesting, I work with people with chronic pain. I work with people with anxiety. People with chronic pain, it’s the same as depression as far as working with those voices. The pain starts to go in the background. It may never fully go away. That’s not the point. The point is to have a different relationship with the pain. Not letting the pain drive your life, you drive your life. What was my life like before the pain? How do we get back on that route?
Yeah, but my pain needs to go away first. Then you’re going to be stuck in that dynamic. And you can work on that. You don’t have to kick the pain off the bus. The pain’s on the bus. We can work with that. Well, my anxiety with my husband because he’s controlling or I want to control him, you can work on those feelings and recognize my worth, my love, my respect. That’s an inside job. I don’t need to control people, places around me to be OK. I can get on my route and stay on my path, stay in the driver’s seat.
You don’t need to argue with the passenger. Just don’t hand them the keys. You don’t need to argue. Just don’t hand them the driver’s seat. So closing thoughts. Recap. Your emotions, thoughts, and family patterns are passengers, but you are the driver. Your challenge. Notice when a passenger tries to grab the wheel and choose to drive anyway. And call to action. If this was helpful, share this episode. Leave a review. Book a session with me.
I do have some opening spots currently. That’s not always the case. Okay, take care. Bye.
